How to Make a Humanoid Weak
by CrazyAcorn
Summary: You'll be needing a vampire-chick, some re-written songs, a bipolar teacher and a few-dozen pigeons. Just shove it all together and you'll get yourself a ZIM/OC fic. Add some nachos if you want a character death. NOT MarySue, just a lil' weird
1. Meet Jay

**CrazyA: **Here it is!!

**Zim: **What is this? Why is my communication typed in these funny letter things?

**CrazyA: **This is my neat Invader Zim story... that will be a slight musical... But don't worry, it isn't MarySue. It's just coated with crack. Which I guess is what Jhonen would've wanted...

**Zim: **Who the heck are those guys? _*pointing at Jack and Joker*_

**J & J: **ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

**CrazyA: **I have NO idea... _*hides face*_

* * *

**1. Meet Jay**

Every day, the exact same routine.

Follow a child to school, hiding in shadows each and every time of course. Then stand outside of the classroom, staring inside. Sit under the shade of the tree, stare into the classroom of the day, watch with earnest eyes as they ate their horribly-cooked lunches.

But only because the consumers were _her _lunch.

And then when they'd go out to play, she's hide up in the tree and read old history books on her kind. _Duckula, Talking with a Fanged Monster..._

...but never _ever _would she read _Twi-moon _again. That was just a load of bull.

Then the bell would go and she'd move back over to her spot at the window. And so she'd begin the cycle once again, staring into classes and trying to learn as much as she could.

She had been doing this every day for the past two-hundred years. She had watched mankind grow and develop, each time bringing themselves down another few notches. Two steps forward, three steps back. Kind of sad if you thought about it. Every time she got bored of a place, she'd move over to another. She had seen the whole world, and yet no one had seen her.

But there was one child who did.

A little boy with dark hair, thirteen-or-something years ago from today, who was playing in his backyard at night. She was watching him quietly from the top of a tree, covered mostly by shade and leaves. But her piercing blue eyes could be seen in the shadows if you payed enough attention. She thought that she was safe, since no one she had ever watched before was smart enough to notice two bright pupils staring at them. But this boy was different, even when he was young.

The wind blew, causing some winds chimes hung up the next door over to ring, which snapped the boy's attention to that area. But as he was turning his gargantuan head, he noticed her sad eyes staring wistfully as she remembered a time long ago when she was as naïve and young as he was. Her daydream vanished as she panicked. No one had _ever _looked at her before. Not right in the eyes like he did.

She acted on impulse and fled, jumping out of the tree and landing gracefully on her feet before running away in shadows. The little boy tried to chase after her, but she had legs that were faster and longer than his. He tripped over, and she paused in her tracks. She looked over her shoulder at him, not letting her face be revealed to him, and watched him stare at her from the corner of her eye.

She wished she could help him, but she knew what the others would say. She got back to her feet and ran as fast as she could, not letting his innocent expression slow her down.

But that was then, this was now.

She was thinking of leaving America, it was getting too dull for her tastes. She wanted somewhere new, where she could start all over. She had been there for thirteen-or-something years, but not a day of aging showed on her face. She was a perfect now as the day she was when the young boy had caught her.

But then, one day, _he _had come.

The boy with green skin and violet eyes.

He was different, she knew that at once. And it wasn't just his skin-colour, which he passed off as a skin condition along with his missing ears. She could see his blood-type. And it was beautiful. It was like a piece of art, but with a life of it's own. It danced, it tempted, it _tortured_, and it loved. It was too beautiful for her taste; she preferred a pallet of frogs and rats. Anything found in the sewers. But it was so mesmerising to watch.

And his heart-beat. She could do the salsa to this strange rhythm. It wasn't even a _heart_-beat. He didn't have a heart, and he didn't show any evidence of having one either. Instead, it was replaced with a strange, twisted organ that pulsed viciously.

At first, she thought she was the only one who knew about the boy's secret. But then another kid, with a lightning-bolt spike on his head, started screaming about this new kid. How he was an alien. Spotting out his differences. But he couldn't see what she saw. He could only see what was on the surface, but _she_ saw what was beneath.

Four years from that day, and the boy was gone.

At least, from _that _classroom.

The green child and the electric-socket had moved with the rest of their class to the next level of educational torture. HISkool. Usually when children moved classes, she would just sigh and start over with a whole new class that were still struggling with their ABC's.

But that class was different.

And it was because of them that she decided to follow them to the HISkool.

Because they were different from the others, just as she was.

The lightning-bolt boy, Dib, who had a far higher IQ than the rest of the world put together, who could see at once how unusual the green child was. He was bullied by the others, and for that she felt sorry for him. She could help him, just as long as he didn't figure out _her _secret identity.

And the green-skinned boy, Zim, with the pulse that danced like the Fire of London. He was bullied far worse than Dib was, and usually _by _Dib. She wanted to talk to him, just to say 'hi'. She wanted to reach out for him, even though she knew she never could. She thought he was clever and could see things the way she did. He wanted everyone else on the planet to rot in a filthy pile of... filth... and so did she.

They were fun to watch and study, like a test subject on fire. And she wanted to keep watching them. And now that they were close to her age, she could become one with the crowd. She could finally be closer.

She could finally be with them after thirteen long years of just watching.

* * *

The bell rang that fateful day, and a whole new wave of destruction emerged throughout the class. Zim was already in his homeroom seat, drumming his long fingers on the plastic black desk. He had grown a few inches taller, as the stinking rock's gravity had a strange effect on his skeleton, but he was still the shortst in the class. And for that, he was bullied.

He had a different wig (the previous one GIR had eaten in a French-fry-burger made of soap) which had two bangs that fell limply in front of his face. He wore the red uniform (it is _not _a dress, big-headed-Dib-child!) that he wore years ago, but it shrunk down into a shirt size, so he had decided to buy himself a pair of black skinny-leg jeans. His boots had been thrown down the toilet in year seven, so he replaced them with a pair of black converse sneakers. And his beloved gloves were causing suspicion amongst the other children (who the hell wears gloves in the middle of summer?) so he had removed them ages ago.

Now that his disguise was close to perfection, he was confident that _this _was the year that he would take over the Earth.

If that stupid Dib didn't get in his way.

The large-headed monkey sat in the back of the room, watching his every move over the top of his current favourite. He would _never _let his eyes leave Zim. If they did for even _one _second, who knows what could happen. Dib's black spike of hair had grown longer, and it always fell comically in against his face when it got wet... He wore the same style of clothes from the years before, blue shirt and black coat, but the coat was longer and the shirt stretched out. He was only a centimetre taller than Zim, much to his dismay, and his growth-spurt hadn't come with the rest of puberty.

Unlike a lot of the other boys, Dib had gotten over puberty quite easily. Voice changing hadn't come yet, but everything else ran by smoothly. Sure, a few pimples after a PE lesson, but those seemed to fade away as quickly as they had come. He was actually rather handsome, and a few girls admired him until he started another one of his rants on Zim (that just made them think he was gay.)

The only thing that hadn't changed was their total hatred for each other.

The class started filing in, first the loners, than the populars, then the bullies. In each little clique they filled up the empty desks, each person trying not to get stuck near Zim or Dib.

But then, one other girl walked in.

And she had no category yet.

No seating plan.

No friends.

No _name_.

She just slowly walked into the class, all eyes now on her. The popular girls started bitching at once, trying to make up a rumour about her appearance. Pretty hard to, she was perfect in every way. Not a hint of acne in sight. Blonde hair like moonlight and eyes like a ripple-less pond. Almost like living crystal, beautiful and fragile.

Her clothes didn't suit the rest of the universe. They looked like something that fell out of a time loop. Black waistcoat, a white shirt with short torn sleeves, and jeans that had been decorated with black lace and patches. She also held in her arms a long black coat with no sleeves and a packed-up parasol that was decorated with similar lace and patches to her jeans.

If there was a word to describe her, it would be 'flawless'.

Dib could describe her with a whole lot of other words. He couldn't take his eyes off her. She seemed better than the other girls at HISkool, even just from appearance. There was just something about her, like she had a light shining on her. Or something sugary like that.

She looked around the class, batting her eyelashes as she looked upon every face with a smile. She was a fair height, but still the shortest in the class. She spotted one of the five empty desks next to Zim and sat herself down as the teacher came in, putting her coat on her desk-top.

Miss Dunkers looked like a person who should have been teaching Widdle-Skool, not HISkool. She was dressed in a flower-printed skirt and had smudges of makeup on her face. She spotted the mysterious new girl and smiled warmly, but looked confused as well.

"I'm sorry dear, what's your name again?" she asked. The new girl blinked in surprise but leaned over on her desk, staring the teacher in the eye.

"I'm Jay, Miss. The new girl? Aren't I written down on the role?" she said, innocently batting her eyelashes again.

Zim was the only person who saw it: a sudden bright light shooting across her eyes, sprinting over to Miss Dunkers'. At first, the teacher looked like she was about to fall asleep, but she suddenly perked up again and looked down at the role. "I'm so sorry, Jay! I should have remembered you! Gosh-ums, I can't see your name on the role... I'll write you down!"

"You might want to remind the other teachers about me, Miss. Just in case if they forgot, too." And there it was again. Another flash, slightly longer by the first one, and the teacher was smiling again.

"Of course! It's not every day that we get a new student!" Miss Dunkers said, smiling as she grabbed a pen out of her bag. Jay looked slightly smug, a little smile curling on her face. She was proud of what she had just done, whatever that was. All Zim could see was a type of mind-manipulation. Too clever for an ordinary human. He had to watch her. "Jay, why don't you come up and tell something about yourself to the class?"

The smile that was on Jay's face faded, and her pupils shrank at once. "W-What?"

"**COME UP AND TALK TO THE CLASS!" **she screamed. Jay stared at her teacher blankly, wondering how the hell one person could be so bi-polar. She sighed and got off her seat, walking slowly and in shaking steps to the front of the homeroom. Whatever eyes weren't on her before, were on her now. Jay swallowed back her fears and stared out at the others, smiling shyly.

"Hi, I'm Jay..." she said quietly, trying to be as brave as possible even though her legs were shaking in their massive boots. "I came in from England, which is where I got my little accent... and, uh... yeah. I hope that I can make new friends here and...stuff... so yeah... I like corn, you know."

She was so going to die.

Everyone could practically _taste _the fear that came off of her. Well, right up until she suddenly did that magic eye-trick again. Zim didn't even have time to duck down. But there was no need. The light that spread across the rest of the room tried getting through to him, but it just faded away like static.

Jay had a feeling that this would happen, seeing that he was alien and all. So she merely shrugged and sat back down again, knowing that the rest of the class would treat her like she was invisible while Zim kept noticing her.

What she _didn't _expect was for him to turn around and stare at her when she sat back down in her seat.

"What are you, anyway?" he asked. "You're nothing like the rest of the FILTHY LYING HUMANS and yet you don't appear to be different in appearance..."

Jay cocked her head to the side, giving a look that only puppies could pull off. "What are you talking about?"

Zim kept staring at her, gripping tightly to the back of his chair. She merely stared back, eyes bright and blinking. Zim gave up, giving out a groan in defeat as he poked her in the nose as he spoke in a growl. "I'll be watching you closely... _very _closely indeed..."

Jay smiled at him before he turned around, facing the teacher as she called out the role. She hummed a few notes to herself, tapping her feet in time. And before he knew it, she burst into a random song.

Wait? Was that a piano in the background?

"_I'm a new girl; I came to this strange skool hoping I could learn a bit 'bout you and that strange kid." _She pointed at Dib, who was staring out the window and taking photos of a dog eating a baby's head. _"But when I came here, saw everyone here, I knew that this was a really horrible mistake."_

"What are you doing?!" Zim yelled, pulling on her hair. Life seemed to keep on turning, no one noticed the fact that she was signing. It was as if it was... _normal_. And where the _heck _was that piano coming from?

"_See I'm immortal, never got back my soul, taken away so many years ago..." _Jay said, still surprisingly cheerful about the subject.

"Do you HAVE to sing??!??!" Zim yelled at her. He was too frustrated to pay attention to what she was singing, just the fact that music was coming out of her mouth kinda spooked him. AND the fact that there was A PIANO PLAYING SOMEWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE!!!

"_No not really, I just felt like singing. But the piano's a real shock to me..." _Jay finished as the bell rang. She gracefully got up from her seat and morphed with the rest of the crowd of students, still singing a long list of '_la_'s as she walked. No one could notice the fact she was singing, just Zim. Even Dib, who was trying to keep up with the crowd as he made his way to first-period, didn't notice that she was singing. He just saw her beauty.

"**ZIM!" **yelled Miss Dunkers. "You don't want to be late for class, do you?"

"No, Miss Dunkers."

"**THEN GET MOVING!**"

* * *

**CrazyA: **Bipolar teachers belong to me, as well as Jay and her vampire buddies. Jay's song is actually a re-written version of 'New Soul' by Yael Naim. PLEASE REVIEW!!!


	2. EFFING FANGIRLS!

**CrazyA: **YAY! Second chappie!

**Zim: **I SING?!? What brain-parasite invaded your brain when you were writing this story?!?!?

**CrazyA: **SCREW YOU, I'M AN AUTHOR AND CAN THEREFORE DO AS I WISH!! The song I re-wrote was 'If I Never See Your Face Again' by Rhianna and Maroon5. I hope you enjoy!

* * *

**2. EFFING FANGIRLS!!!**

The day was long...

...so very long...

And everyone was talking about Jay.

Well, the last new kid that they had was the one that smelt of a chilli-dog, he joined in year six. That was ages ago, and they never had a new kid since then. So of course when a strange foreign girl joins up, they have nothing else to do _but _talk about her. Boys talked about her body, while girls talked about her manner. So if you walked past a conversation, it would be something like this:

"Shit, man! She's got nothing! No curves, no butt, no nothing!"

"I heard that she ate a frog!"

"That would explain her long legs!"

"Yeah! Blondie-long-legs is a total spider queen!"

"What does that even mean?"

You get the picture.

Jay knew that they were talking about her, but she didn't show it. She remained quiet throughout the remainder of the day, and Zim was pleased by the fact she had stopped singing. Though he couldn't help but notice something... it was like everyone had a star caught in their throats. They all had this similar... feeling. It was only tiny, hardly anything. But ever since she arrived, they all seemed a little bit brighter. Sure, they were still depressed and bored and bitchy. But...

"...they Jay-bug seems to have a strange effect on the Earth-pigs," Zim said into a device on his wrist. "Though it's hard to explain, her arrival at the skool makes everyone... lighter. Like swamp-gas or the festival lanterns of planet ChigsQWA! I will have to investigate this..." He pressed a button on the recorder and it vanished... somewhere. The bell rang and he shoved his books in his locker, slamming it shut hurriedly, and ran to the cafeteria.

It was much like the Skool cafeteria, except this one was classified into more specific groups. Popular girls, jocks, nerds, Goths/Emos, and 'the others'. Zim, Dib and several other children were 'others'. It was just a nicer way of saying 'losers'. Oh, and they had a POOP machine that gave out Earth-yummies if you gave it a dollar. Nearly everyone used it instead of collecting the free food from the lunch-ladies, which was still the same scum and muffins that they had every year. But today it was out of order, for a squirrel was jammed inside there and gave an occasional squeak for help, thus meaning that everyone had to have the usual food that came as a gloomy mess on their plastic tray.

Zim was one of the first few in the large, mould-coated, hall. He chose a spot up at the back, in shadow, and ninja-jumped over there. He wasn't a ninja, but he still decided to ninja-jump. Because ninjas rock.

Hell yesh.

He landed on the plastic bench, avoiding the areas that looked and smelt like someone had vomited there. He pulled out a pair of binoculars from his Pak and started inspecting the crowd of recently-arrived hormone-beasts for Jay. No sign of her yet... she must've gotten lost. Or maybe one of the popular girls bribed Torque with a 'pashing' to go beat her up. The latter was the most likely...

"Where are you, anyway?" Zim muttered, still focused on finding her.

"Who are you looking for?" said a voice behind him.

"That new girl... what's-her-face... Kay," Zim explained, not bothering to turn around. "Now leave me be, Earth-stink. I need to concentrate."

"It's Jay, actually," the person said, sitting down beside him.

"Whatever. Go play in stinky corn," Zim said as he turned around at last to see who he was addressing. He did a double-take when he recognised the familiar blue eyes that were on everyone's mind at the moment. Jay raised a shy hand and waved, smiling slightly. Zim quickly hid the binoculars in his Pak and raised a finger of judgement to her face, causing her to jump back a bit in shock. "HOW DARE YOU SNEAK UP ON ZIIIMMM!!!?"

"Well you looked lonely. I thought you could use someone to talk to."

"And the fact that you have no one else to go 'bond' with helped?"

"Yeah, that as well..." she said, smiling.

Zim looked at her up and down, realising something to add to his information on her. "Aren't you getting anything to digest?"

Jay blinked and looked around the room, noticing that everyone else was choking down slime in the ancient primitive way. (AKA- with their bare hands) "Uh... I don't usually get hungry during the day. Why aren't _you_ getting anything to eat?"

"Um..." It was Zim's turn to be under the pressure now. "I already ate... Earth food is so delicious. But I'm afraid that if I eat any more, I may explode. For my stomach has filled its capacity..." Jay nodded her head, not believing a word he said but deciding to let it slide. She had seen why he never ate anything; it just set him on fire. But she couldn't give her game away too suddenly.

"So what's it like being an alien?" she asked. Zim stared at her, bug-eyed. Buggeration. She knew she would screw it up...she face-palmed herself before resting her head on the table, knowing that she was utterly doomed. Her head faced his direction, but remained on the filthy table-top.

"What on this lovely-stinking-DIRT-planet makes you think I'm an alien?" he asked, trying hard to look her in the eye. But it was sort of tricky when he was under pressure and she was trying to look away from him.

"Uh..." a brief noise came from Jay's throat as she stared blankly ahead. "Lucky guess?" she said, giving a sheepish smile. Zim noticed something in her mouth and grabbed her head in his two hands, ignoring the fact that she was struggling. He put a digit in either side of her mouth, stretching it wider so that he could see her teeth.

She shook him off her, but he still saw what she didn't want him to see. At least, not yet, anyways. Two teeth, perfectly opposite each other, that were slightly pointier than most human teeth. Only a little bit, but it still showed when she smiled. Zim stored this away in his memory for later purposes.

"Watch it, you wanker!" she yelled, pushing him off. She rubbed her mouth with the back of her hand, trying to ease the pain from where he had stretched her.

"If I _was _an alien WHICH I'M NOT then how did you discover my identity?" Zim asked, not apologising for earlier. Jay sighed and looked him in the eye, sitting up straight and crossing her legs.

"Okay..." she said, taking a deep breath. "I might as well explain all this to you... Don't call me a stalker, or insane, or a butt-head... but I've been watching you for the past four years of your life. The day you started Skool, all my attention was on you. I-"

"You butt-headed stalker of meat and hair!!" Zim yelled at her. "Why were you watching Zim in all his epic glory?!?"

"Look... you were... interesting. And I can _help_ you, Zim. I might not look it, but I'm one of the most deadly things known to mankind!" she yelled. Everyone was busy in their own conversations to notice the two of them, but Jay lowered her voice anyway. "Have you ever felt like there was something waiting in the dark? Like... something was trying to get you when you least suspected it? _I'm_ that thing in the dark... _I'm _the one who waits until the time is right to pounce."

"You're nothing more than the other pig-beasts..." Zim said, trying to shake her off by ignoring her. It didn't work. Even when his back was turned and he tried staring at the fungi glued to the walls, he could feel her blue eyes burning into his blood. She _was _different, and the two of them knew that.

"I can help you, Zim. I can be by your side as you rule this world... wipe out the horrible flesh and wickedness of the world. A new Eden, made of blood and agonising screams..." her eyes went brighter and brighter every time she uttered another word. She was in a dreamy daze, which Zim interrupted impatiently by snapping his fingers in her face. She blinked a few times, getting back to normal life, and looked up at him again. "Won't it be fun?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Zim said, almost pitifully. ALMOST. "Just run along and get a taco or something."

"Don't treat me like you treat GIR."

"What?!?"

"I know more than you think I know."

"Just leave me alone! I don't need this from a freak like you!" Zim got up and pushed his way through the groups of students, escaping that room and running down the hall. The smell of bubbling chip-fat and raw meat abandoned him as he went further down the thin dark passage. He looked around, finding no sign of her, and sighed a breath of relief as he fell to the floor.

There was just silence, nothing to fill it but the sound of his heavy gasps for air. And then suddenly...

"'Freak' is _such _an ugly word."

Zim looked up to find Jay staring at him from the ceiling. Yes, from the ceiling. Her blonde hair was the only thing that fell under gravity's spell, her clothes kept as if she were simply standing on the tiled floor. She smiled, gave a wave, and jumped, prepared for a perfect landing.

But she fell flat on her face instead.

"Blast..." she muttered, picking herself up. "I still need practise, as you can see, but I have many powers that could become of use." Zim got to his feet, rolling his eyes, and marched off. He was better than that mess of a girl. He didn't need assistance. He was _Zim _for crying out loud: a favourite of the Almighty Tallest and powerful invader.

And somewhere, far away, an electronic beat was being played.

"_Now as the day goes on, I'll let you slip away..." _Jay sang. _"You say I'm not your girl but I can make you sway..." _Oh help, she was singing again. And yet Zim felt this natural feeling rise through his throat and he felt that he would explode if he tried to swallow it back down...

...when he came to rule the world one day, Broadway was the first to go.

"_It makes you wonder if I'll give you one more chance..." _he sang. Jay beamed, she caught him. And he was damn fine. _"I'd think about it if you cut the crazy trance!"_

"_You'll just go somewhere else, far away, and I'll try so hard to find you..." _Jay sang back. _"But you'll feel my breath on your neck...won't believe I'm right behind you." _She walked over to him, smirking proudly, and ran two icy fingertips up his exposed neck before skipping around in circles. _"You just kept me coming back for more..."_

"_You know, I'm feeling worse than ever before..." _Zim sang back as he tried to keep his stomach together. He straightened up and stuck out a foot, tripping Jay over as she skipped. Ah, he felt better. _"If I never see your face again, I'll be okay."_

"_But I thought we got much further than I thought we'd get today..." _Jay said, trying to stand up again on two feet. She managed, and rotated her neck, listening and smiling to the cracking noises of her spine. _"But please won't you believe me? Find it in your heart to trust me; promise not to forget my face..."_ She tried reasoning with him, but he pushed her away stubbornly.

"_Why should I dare to trust you? Expect me to want and lust you!?"_ She tried coming after him again, but another push into the wall sorted out that problem. _"Walk all over me and take my place?!?" _Jay rolled her eyes, realising that he was more stupid than she imagined him to be. He just didn't get it.

"_I can't believe I wanted more... you're more stupid than I ever could've guessed before!"_

"_If I never see your face again, I'll be okay!" _Zim yelled, still singing. _"As long as you keep the hell away!" _Jay groaned and stormed off, muttering British curse-words under her breath. To hell with this. He wasn't going to take her in.

The distant music had stopped, and their vocal-chords returned to normal speech. Jay turned around, gave a last look of hatred at him, and decided to yell a bitchy comeback that would never be put into a song-lyric. "You know, you really suck! I hope you remember that!!"

"Takes one to know one!" he retaliated. Jay just stared at him sadly, slapping herself in the forehead and giving a groan in disbelief and exhaustion.

"Look, if you find yourself really desperate for an evil plan or something, just look me up under 'vampire'." She walked away, her gaze focused on the ground as she took each step. Zim walked the opposite way, since they had separate classes now.

But then it hit him, slowly but painfully just as the bell rang in the background of his mind, creating nothing but white noise for him. _"What the heck is a 'vampider'?"_

* * *

**CrazyA: **I butchered the song, and it probably doesn't make sense. I don't care. ZIM SANG! And that's what matters *nods head* And yes, Jay and Zim sang both sides of the duet in a really screwed-up way. But you guys have imaginations, so use them. Jay sings high, Zim sings... USE YOUR IMAGINATION!

**Zim: **And for the record: ChigsQWA is pronounced '_Chig-squah'. _And ninjas ARE INDEED aweshum.


	3. Pigs Don't Lie

**Zim: **HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME SING!!??!?

**CrazyA: **Oh shush, we both know you have a thing for broadway.

**Zim: ***all secret and quiet*

**Dib: **Now it's MY turn.

**CrazyA: **GET YOUR BIG HEAD OUTTA THE A-N!

* * *

**3. Pigs Don't Lie**

Zim arrived back at the base, still trying to remove a smelly yellow 'kick-me' sign from the back of his...back. He'd have to get back at Dib somehow... maybe a 'probe-me' sign on his gargantuan head. Yes, that would work out nicely. He laughed at the thought, heading straight for the trash-disposal-unit and going down to his base. It was time for some serious working-out of stuff.

Funny, he came back home from a place where he was forced to think and the first thing he does when he leaves that retched place is think some more. Ha. The author made a funny.

When he arrived back in the familiar magenta room of wires and screens, he took off his wig and lenses. His antennae bounced back into normal shape, finally free from being squashed underneath that wig of his. They never grew that much longer than the years ago when he first arrived. Slightly longer, falling a little downward, but that was the only real change.

"Computer, store the recordings of today's wrist-log-thingy into your data-banks," Zim ordered. He took off his wrist-recorder (or wrist-log-thingy, doesn't _really _matter) and inserted it into an empty slot of the computer, like a humanoid does with their thumb-drives.

"Do I have to?" the computer moaned. "I just had a really bad day and-"

"Don't make me de-program you."

"Fine, whatevah..." the computer said. A bunch of fancy numbers and symbols came on the screen, and vanished quickly as he downloaded the logs. "Zim, there's a lot of stuff in here about this Jay person. I assume she is part of the mission?"

"She is no one. Well, apart from a scary stalker girl who calls herself a 'vampire'... whatever _that_ is. I assume it's another insult she uses like 'wanker' or 'bastard'... something British." Zim paced the floor, already getting side-tracked from his mission-planning and onto the subject of the foreigner.

As he paced the floor, the computer let out a 'ding' noise and the screen showed several Gothic websites. "Sir, while you were ranting I managed to find information on these 'vampire' creatures."

Zim turned sharply on his heel, facing the screen again with sudden interest. "Are they poisonous?" He used a cool, alien-version of a mouse (which was just his hand gliding across a panel) and started reading the website descriptions. He could start making sense about Jay's appearance at last... and her strange musical aura.

"'_Vampires have a natural ability to start up musicals in just about anywhere, coz they're cool like that. They wear that dark, smexy, moody face 24/7 and drink the blood of others like Emos drink coffee.' _Well that's just gross..." Zim muttered, imagining Jay sinking a crazy-straw into a random person's neck. Didn't work out well... "'_They usually have totally gorgeous appearances, used often to lure in victims, and can carry super-aweshum abilities such as flight, super-speed and Spider-legs.'_"

"Does this Jay pose as a threat to your scheme?" the computer asked. Zim read on in silence, chucklingto himself every so often.

"I must admit, if she's telling the truth then she's more powerful than I imagined..." he said. "I _could _use some of these abilities to my advantage... but she's so... _irritating_." He closed down the sites and started on another rant. "If she keeps singing then I swear that I'll-"

"_I'M WALKIN' ON SUNSHINE_!" GIR sang poorly, running around in circles. How he got inside the base, we may never know... and why he was coated in jam, we don't even _want _to start on. And as for the rubber piggy stuck to his back, that was completely normal.

"GIR! I order you to be silent!" Zim yelled. GIR came to a sudden halt and fell to the floor, his pig squeaking when he landed in top of it.

"But it's a cool song!!" GIR complained. "The piggy told me so! And the piggy never lies! Nu-uh!"

"GET OUT OF HERE ALREADY! Your legs are distracting me!" Zim yelled, picking him up by his antennae and throwing him on the other side of the room.

The next day, it was Gym-class in period one. Jay was meant to be in his class, but Zim never saw her entering the girls' locker room. For specific reasons that Zim had learnt through Dib, there were two separate change-rooms for the different genders. Zim hated the times where he had to get changed into his PE gear. It was total hell.

Dib always watched him, trying to wait for the right moment where he could prove he was an alien once and for all. But it was difficult, seeing as they were trapped with at least twenty other boys in the one unhygienic room. The sound of boarish laughter and the stench of sweaty gym-socks always made Zim sick, but he never managed to find a reason to get out of it. They didn't have toilet cubicles, just urinal stands, so he couldn't go somewhere more private to change.

The PE uniform was a smelly white shirt and a pair of your own shorts from home. Zim didn't bother with shorts, so he just wore his jeans. Dib had three-quarter shorts, in black of course, and had to wear contacts while playing. He didn't want to risk his glasses being broken. Most of the other boys wore denim shorts or boardies, and some of the poorer ones went bare-foot. And as usual, they were talking about the one thing they had on their minds: girls.

"Did you see Zita yesterday after school?"

"At the mall? Hell yeah!"

"I went shopping with my brother and she was just wearing a skirt and top!"

"Oh shit! No way! A _skirt?"_

Dib and Zim groaned and rolled their eye in perfect unison. They were so pathetic. It was either sport, movies or girls. Even the Dib-child wasn't as bad as the rest of them. And then, out of the testosterone, came a topic the two of them could relate on.

"What do you reckon about Jay?"

They sharply turned their heads to whoever spoke, their pupils shrinking as everyone chimed in with 'DUDE!'

"She's so hot!"

"Hell yeah!"

*Insert a wolf-whistle here*

Zim felt that he was going to be sick. Jay wasn't even _that _cute in his eyes. Sure, she was 'pretty', but he drew the line at that. And why the hell would he make animal-noises over her? Everyone in the locker-room sounded like wolves, but in his eyes they were pigs.

Dib, on the other hand, looked like a tomato. His face had gone red, and his knuckles went white as he tried to hold back his anger. He wasn't focused on Zim for once, he was just wondering how they could talk about her that way. She wasn't an object, she was a person. And a really sweet one at that.

"Dib, are you gay or something?" one boy asked. "You've gone all red."

"Maybe he has the hots for Jay!!" They all roared with laughter at the idea. Zim would've, but he didn't know what they meant by 'hots'. All he noticed was that he had gone ridiculously red, like a child would in the sun, so he guessed that was what the gawking teenagers were implying.

"You guys can shut up about Jay!" he yelled, pulling on his shirt and throwing his books into his locker. "I am _not _gay and I do _not _have a crush on her! What is it with you guys and sex?!?"

For the first time ever in gym-class, Zim couldn't take his eyes off Dib. The redness of the face, the sweat on his forehead and the power in every move he made. He was angry, that was sure. Zim pulled an Irken version of an x-ray out of his Pak, fastening it around the side of his head. It was like half a pair of glasses, with a flat pink screen instead of a spectacle. He zoomed in on Dib, twisting a tiny dial the size of a pinky-nail until it focused on his heart. It was beating faster than ever.

Zim had never seen Dib like this before. He had been angry hundreds of times before, but even then it wasn't this bad. And it only started when the subject of Jay was brought up. There was something about her that seemed important to Dib... something that could change the human entirely. Dib slammed his locker shut and walked out, the first one ready for gym. Zim put his x-ray away, thinking the situation over.

He might just have to go back and talk to Jay.

Meanwhile, in a stinky gym-hall.

"Why can't I get her out of my mind?" Dib asked himself. His voice echoed off the gym walls, he was the only one in there. Guess he had gotten changed earlier. Dib wasn't the type of guy to believe in love at first sight. That was the only reason why he doubted himself. But there was just something about Jay. Something different. It was like the two of them were made out of the same pieces. And yet he felt like he had seen her somewhere before...

...from somewhere long ago...

...was there an orchestra hidden underneath the gym floor?

Or was the marching band practising again?

"_I feel you, my Jay-bird..." _a voice came from Dib's mouth. Was that him? Did he sound that girly all the time? _"I feel you... half convinced that I would wake up... and that you would vanish forever... thank God that you're not made-up, my Jay-bird..."_

It was a relief to get this feeling off his chest, but it was still confusing that he was singing everything... and why he sounded like a girl. And as for Jay-bird... that was just messed up. _"I'll save you, my Jay-bird... I'll save you... do they think so little of you? Don't worry I will always be there... I'll be right there beside you... saving all the human race!"_

The mysterious orchestra from before was back, creating a nice little crescendo as he continued filling the world with girly vocals. _"I feel you, my Jay-bird, and one day I'll save you... til' I find you I'll be waiting here, saving all the human race!"_

As the gym slowly filled with kids, Dib gave a sigh of relief. It felt... wow. Not really a proper way to put it. Just getting all that tension off felt good. Pity that no one had heard him, but even then it didn't matter.

"DIB! Think fast!" Someone yelled, throwing a dodge-ball at his head. He fell to the floor, shaking his head in disbelief... not again. Whatever pride he had left, it vanished. Now he was just back to being stupid old Dib, crazy paranormal expert...

...who had a massive crush on a vampire.

* * *

**CrazyA: **Dib sang a rewritten version of 'Johanna' from Sweeney Todd. I don't own IZ or any of the songs I use. Just Jay and my DVDs. REVIEW!


	4. Toad Lickin' Good

**Zim: **VICTORY! Zim shall NEVER sing again!! MWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

**CrazyA: **Zim, it's only for this chapter... _*Jack covers her mouth quickly*_

**Jack: **Don't tell him! He'll shoot us in the head like he did with Joker. _*points to very VERY still Joker*_

**CrazyA: **Meh, I'll wake him up again for the next chapter of _Faith Won't Save You_. READ AND REVIEW!

**

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****4. Frog-Lickin' Good**

For all of gym, Jay never made an appearance. Even when the whole class was filling in the emptiness-ness of the hall, and both genders were together again, she still didn't show. Since it was first period, everyone assumed she was away for the whole day, but Zim had a strange feeling that she was just hiding somewhere.

Maybe the sound of singing coming from the air-vents helped him out a bit.

Dib was too focused on something else to notice the faint musical notes coming from the metal grates, but Zim's antennae still had sensitive hearing underneath his wig. He was sure it was Jay. He had to discuss his recent findings with her, for he knew that she would have answers.

Science was one of Zim's favourite subjects, and he was happy to have it next. It gave him a closer look at the human system and society and helped him understand this world just a little bit better. Plus, today they were starting something he was particularly interested in...

...the dissection of a frog.

Frogs were just one small step, after that Zim guessed came a sheep and then finally a human being. And when that day came, the world would be prepared...

He got changed as quickly as possible and raced his way to the science labs. He was always the first one there, and Mr Slarti always let him set up the class. In his eyes, Zim thought of it as a chance to peak through the upcoming subjects hidden in his teacher's files when he left for coffee. That was the only reason he knew that they were studying frog anatomy. But when he got there, he was both glad and disappointed to see that another child was there before him.

Jay didn't respond to Zim's angry growls and glares, she just kept unloading frog after frog onto previously set trays. Mr Slarti was out for coffee again, so they were the only two in the class. The other kids were still getting changed from PE. Jay was humming a song to herself, a tiny speck of colour on her lips.

Wait, what?

As he passed by the bin, Zim noticed a frog carcass buried underneath a layer of paper towels. He removed the towel carefully in pinched fingers and spotted the two puncture marks on the side of the amphibian's head.

"What is wrong with you?!?!?" he hissed at Jay. He covered the frog again, trying to forget about the grotesque colour shade it was. He thought he was going to be sick...

"You know perfectly well why I had to do that..." Jay said, showing a hint of anger in her voice. "It was either you or the frog..." Zim turned to her, raising a non-existent eyebrow at her suddenly found voice. She wouldn't dare... right?

"You've got some... frog-juice..." he pointed at his own lip, hoping she got the message. She glared at him, running a tongue along her bottom lip in an oh-so-spooky fashion. Zim shivered. One second she was cute and irritating, the next she was being like the website made her species out to be. Maybe she _would _attack him...

"Hey, if you're here you might as well hand out the scalpels..." she muttered, loud enough for him to hear but quiet enough to sound like a growl. Eeep, she's going savage... Zim found the box of pointy shiny stuff on the front desk, enjoying the feel of a blade between his fingers. Then suddenly...

...prick. Or whatever noise happens when an Irken accidentally stabs his finger with a scalpel. Jay's vampire sense reached their peak, she turned around wildly. Zim was sucking on his finger, wincing at the slight pain. Thank God she couldn't see any of the exotic green blood, otherwise she would've lost complete control. She dug inside her pocket, trying to find exactly what she needed.

Zim was too busy concentrating on his sore finger to notice the sudden cream-coloured wrapper appear in front of his face. A bandaid. Jay was looking the opposite way, her arm stretching out with the bandaid between two fingers. She didn't want to see him bleed. She was still trying to calm down after the frog, the sight of more blood would make her crazy.

Zim slowly took the bandaid from her, watching as she retreated to the rest of the frogs. Just as he finished bandaging his finger, the rest of the class filled up the room in a blaze of chatter and lol-speak. Mr Sparti waded his way through the kids, finally reaching his desk. "Settle down people and get into pairs. We need one person to help the other from vomiting while we dissect these endangered species."

At the sound of 'partners' the whole class went mad again as the scramble for friends began. People begged for threes, but Mr Sparti was strong-minded. So instead they went off in groups of two, grumbling and plotting to blackmail their teacher. Zim was just sitting carelessly, inspecting his bandaged finger, when he noticed Dib's blush returning as he walked over to Jay.

Oh no.

Must intervene!!

"So uh... Jay?" Dib asked, tapping her on the shoulder. She turned around, smiling slightly when she saw him. "Did you want to be partners for this dissection thing? You don't _have _to, but I figured that you might not know anyone and-"

Before she could even open her mouth for an answer, a green blur that was probably Zim scooped her off her feet and held her bridal-style. "Sorry Dib-stink, but this child has been claimed in the name of ZIM!! So run along and join that noseless kid before you're left in awkward silence. BEGONE!"

Yep, that was Zim.

Jay turned her head, facing Dib, as Zim carried her over to their table. "Sorry about this..." she said, still smiling. Dib was already glum-faced, swearing a vendetta against Zim, as the spooky green kid put her down at last. She glared at him with an icy stare before grabbing the scalpel and twirling it between her fingers dangerously. WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS STUNT AT HOME. IF YOU SCREW UP IT WILL HURT, A LOT.

For the first few minutes of the class Zim and Jay payed attention while the others mucked about with their frogs. Mr Slarti finally gave up and nodded and Jay and Zim, a gesture of both 'defeat' and 'I hope you burn', walking back to the science department for more coffee. They knew what to do anyway, they were fine without him.

Without even asking for Zim's advice, Jay slowly sliced through the smooth, slimy and slippery skin of the amphibian. Zim watched in amazement as she carefully, using tweezers and gloves, folded back the skin to reveal all sorts of tiny, blubbery organs. Zim smiled, he had waited fro this for a long time.

From Dib's point of view, it looked like Zim was drooling over Jay. He was _so _going to get him after this. He knew that Zim was incapable of feeling affection, so the only reason why he was trying to steal Jay off him was to make Dib suffer. Bastard. Zim turned around, sensing Dib's evil glares, and smiled sheepishly. Dib just kept glaring, his face going red with rage, and Zim slowly turned around again to Jay.

"Have you done anything to Dib?" Zim asked. Jay shifted her gaze from one green organism to the other, an eyebrow arched like a Japanese brush-stroke. She didn't say anything, but Zim knew what she was asking. "It's just that he looks like Mars whenever someone talks about you... and in that AWFUL 'gym-class'... he rushed to your defences. I assume that you've drugged him with some weird 'vampire-thing'-"

"Bugger!" Jay yelled suddenly, stabbing the frog viciously with the scalpel. A few specks of blood landed on her face as she hit an artery, which she licked off in the previous spooky fashion. Zim shivered again, he _hated _it when she did that. He would even prefer singing than watching her do that...

"Was it something Zim said?" Zim asked. Jay sighed and slid the metal frog-tray along the bench until it crashed into a wall. Mr Slarti wasn't showing any signs of returning, so it was okay to give up on the experiment.

"There's always one..." she muttered, sitting on the same spot the frog once was. When Zim gave her another questioning look, she rolled her eyes and gave another sigh. "I'm afraid that Dib has come down with a bad case of 'twitterpation'."

"Twitter-what-now?"

"Twitterpation. He's been twitterpated. By me. I'm so dead..."

"I'm not sure that I want to ask what this 'twittering' is. Of course, I know of it already, but I-"

"Don't you get it?!? He fancies me!!" she hissed at Zim angrily. "I mean, it's better than one of the other kids but _seriously_... I didn't need this at all..."

"But the other testosterones say that you're...'hot'. Doesn't this mean that they also crush you?"

"Close, but not the same as 'twitterpated'..." Jay explained. "Nearly all males find me attractive because of my vampire-appearance, but sometimes there's one boy that looks beneath the snow-white skin and into my silent heart... AND THE BOY NEARLY ALWAYS ENDS UP DEAD!"

"Say huh?"

Jay slapped her forehead, letting the palm of her hand slowly drag down her face. "Think of me a form of hypnotism... boys can't look away from me if I enter a room. At first, it was really neat, but now it's irritating. It does have its advantages when I need to get a good seat, but apart from those times it sucks arse. Vampires usually call this trick the 'Anne-Rice-Puppy-Face'."

"So human males always seem to find you attractive, or in this case 'hot'?"

"Pretty much."

"And they let you walk all over them?"

"If I'm lucky and they're desperate."

"What other powers do you have?"

"What is this, a job interview?"

"Exactly."

It took a few minutes for the words to sink inside Jay's mind. She blinked, her pupils shrinking as she finally understood what was going on. Zim was reconsidering... a very rare moment to 'give it her all'. She jumped off the bench and landed delicately on two feet.

"Well you know that I can walk on walls, so I guess that's one. Um... in a few days I'll be able to fly. Oh! I bite people!"

"That's not a skill, more of a need."

"Well it's...whatever." Jay bit her lip, trying to think up of something. "I can sometimes sneak up on people. Like yesterday when I snuck up on you, _twice_. And...I guess that's it. Wait! I know!" She suddenly held out her hand and did a 'spock-sign', stretching her ring and middle fingers apart. She waved this newly-formed hand in Zim's face, trying to exaggerate how impressive it was. He shooed her hand away, and it retreated to her side.

He circled her slowly, inspecting her from each angle. She didn't appear to be much at first, but the research and recent discoveries helped Zim see her in a new way. Her pale skin from years and years of deprived sunlight, and her pale blonde locks had the same curl as it did those years ago. She was pretty, maybe even beautiful, but Zim wouldn't classify her under 'hot'. Who came up with those abnormal replacements for descriptions anyway?

"What does it take to become a vampire-beast of blood and spook?" Zim asked. Jay was about to answer when a group of popular girls came running past in a horde of giggles. They screamed in piercing laughter before running off again, their voices getting higher and higher by the second. Zim's antennae nearly shrivelled up and died beneath his wig.

Jay laughed and dug around in her pockets some more, pulling out a slip of paper. How much stuff she had in there, she wasn't sure. They were magic pants that always seemed to have what she needed just at the right time. She found a pen lying around and quickly wrote down an address. "Come over to my house after school, okay? I can answer a few more questions there."

Zim inspected the neat, cursive hand-writing and frowned at the location. "Zim has never heard of this area before..."

"Well it is pretty far..." Jay said, shrugging and nodding her head. "But if you get lost, follow the pigeons."

"What pigeons?"

"Oh you'll know which pigeons."

* * *

**CrazyA: **I can NOT believe it... I barely know my own plot. Usually I think things through over and over and OVER...


	5. More Than A Girl

**CrazyA: **Hooray! I'm back!! *trumpets and cheers*

**ZIM: **VICTORY! Zim has more fangirls!!

**CrazyA: **Technically, Mad and Holly are GIR fangirls...

**ZIM: **GIR has fangirls?!?!?

**CrazyA: **Long story short, I introduced my two best friends to Invader Zim, and they now love GIR. But I'll always be a Zim-gal... ^-^ Anywho, I finished these two chapters on my holiday, but my internet was busted. So Chp.5 and Chp.6 are published at pretty much the exact same time... YAY! Read and review, won't ya?

**

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****5. More than a Girl**

Sunsets were always unusual for Zim. He understood the reason behind them, how the Earth was simply rotating and that they'd see again in another nine-or-so hours, but he never got was so special about them. It was just a sky of orange and pink, nothing special about it at all. So when he flew across the peach-fuzz sky, he didn't care about how 'romantic' or 'prettyful' the scenery was. He just needed to find the stupid house.

_777 Happy-Place Drive_

It must've been a joke.

"Two hours of flying around in a 360o motion and I _still _can't find this place..." Zim muttered. "Jay instructed to follow pigeons... but I don't see anything-"

"Coo."

Zim looked to his right, blinking stupidly at a matted grey pigeon. It looked like it had been hit by a truck, slowly inching towards its death, and was missing one eye. Its wings were flapping hurriedly, trying to keep itself in the air, while the cruiser was hovering calmly beside it.

"Coo."

"What are you saying?"

"Coo."

"Zim does not understand what you're tying to tell him!! Zim orders you to be silent!"

The pigeon stared at Zim curiously, wondering what the funny green boy was trying to say. Perhaps he had a rat for him to eat? "Coo."

"SILENCE!!" Zim yelled, pressing a button on the dash-board. A laser-canon came from the side of the aircraft, pointing directly at the pigeon's last eye. A bright pink beam was being charged up inside, waiting to kill off the diseased creature...

"NO!! Don't hurt the pidg-eeeeeiin!!" GIR cried, beating his tiny metal hands against the glass. He sobbed, his blue eye filled with tears. "He just wants to be friends!!" GIR pushed Zim away from the controls, the charged-up canon losing power.

"What are you _doing_, GIR?!?" Zim screeched. GIR strutted calmly back over to the window, waving at the pigeon which gave a 'coo' in delight.

"Pidgee says that he has buddies over at Happy-Place Drive! Can we go seeeee?!?" GIR shrieked, flailing his arms excitedly. Zim stared at him for a moment, his eye twitching in frustration. He then slowly turned his head to the windshield and nodded, muttering a bitter 'yes'.

"PIDGEEE!!" GIR yelled excitedly, clapping his hands together. The pigeon cooed and flew onwards, one wing doing most of the work. Seriously, that bird should've died years ago. Zim followed close behind, until they were so far away from the main area of the city that he got a little nervous. Did she walk the whole way from here to HISkool?

The house was nothing like what the address made it out to be. Like Zim's own house, Jay's was completely different from its own surroundings. It was on a sudden hill, right between two normal little suburban houses, with a tiled roof and a chipped vandalised gargoyle. It was dark blue in colour, and had a similar shape to Zim's house. There was a pebbled pathway that went up the hill and to the house, with dead roses growing between weeds. There were so many pigeons roosting around the place that GIR nearly died of pigeon-gasm.

People _can _die from that, yanno.

Zim slowly parked amongst the weeds, making sure no one saw his ship by disguising it as a cookie (with two types of choc-chip). He lifted up the windshield and stepped outside, hiding in the darkness of the night. He waded his way through the weeds, finally making his way to the front door. A set of wind-chimes danced and sang in the breeze as he knocked on the door, even though there wasn't any wind. Spoooooooky...

"Just a second!" Jay called, running to the door. She pulled it open and smiled at Zim, not embarrassed about her fangs anymore. "Come on in!"

Zim wasn't really sure if he wanted to... the whole of the house was dark, only to be lit in several places by candle-light. It was Gothic, romantic, and so unusual for Zim. He lived in and depended on a world full of technology, so seeing everything so primitive and dark was strange in his eyes. He could make out a staircase, with dusty brown wooden railings, and a large window at one side of the room with flowing, black patchwork curtains. It was pretty, he could give it that. And it suited Jay's tastes... but must it really be so dark? It made him feel, dare he say it... nervous.

"Sorry about Toto..." Jay apologised. "I know he can't be clear when he gives directions..." On cue, the pigeon from before swooped through the open door and landed on her blonde curls. She laughed, not affected by the smell of the beloved bird.

"Coo?"

"Yes, Zim's an alien..." Jay sighed, exhausted. "I told you before!"

"Coo-coo."

"What do you mean, 'you were listening to my iPod'?!?" Jay yelled at the pigeon. Toto merely cooed once more. "I did?"

"He's got a point, you know!" GIR butted in, dancing in crazy circles around to room. Jay sighed and brushed Toto off her head, watching with a smile as he flew onto GIR's instead. Zim just watched, slightly flabbergasted at what was going on before his eyes... she was talking to a pigeon... a full-on conversation. And GIR was joining in...

"I wanted to ask you some questions..." Zim reminded, bursting through the mind-boggling conversation they were having with a pigeon named after a dog. Gosh, how stoopid could you get? Jay blinked and nodded, realising that there was a point behind the visit after all.

"The kitchen's the best place to chat," she said as she walked off. He followed, curious to see what it was like.

OH THAT IS _NOT _RIGHT!!!!

A vampire's kitchen is a little messier than a human's. The only similar thing was the layout: fridge, stove, sink and cupboards. But the black and white tiled floor was coated with blood splatters, and in the sink was another pigeon... but it was a pigeon's corpse that was bleeding from the neck into the drain. Zim nearly barfed at the sight of it... and even when Jay opened the fridge, she pulled out a medical packet of blood from the hospital.

"You want any?" Jay asked, holding out the packet. Zim shook his head, trying to hold back vomit as she ripped open the packet with her fangs and drained the entire thing in one gulp. "I'm sorry about the mess... one of the pigeons was struggling and-"

"Please!" Zim interrupted, his face a paler shade of green than usual. "I-I don't really want to hear details..."

"I know, I know... even _I _think it's gross..." Jay said, shaking her head in shame. "So what did you want to ask?"

Zim sighed with relief as she closed the fridge and sat in front of the sink, hiding the pigeon so that he wasn't distracted. She threw the empty packet over her shoulder and rested her head on her daintily "I'll start from the beginning... how did you become a vampire?"

Jay blinked and lowered her head in her hands, biting her bottom lip. "Uh... it's complicated... but I guess I can tell you...

OH HOLY JELLY-MOOSE! A FLASH-BACK!!

_18__TH__ Century London_

A little girl with brown hair was crying on the floor, trying hard to keep quiet. They'd find her if she made any noise. And if she was found, then it was the end. She would go to the factories, or an orphanage, and then everything would be wrong. She'd be miserable, alone and afraid. It was too hard for her to imagine, but she understood that it was terrible from the way her parents talked about it.

She was alone in the house, the tiniest house in all of the west side of London. Her parents had left her by herself, went searching for jobs. They had promised to be back ages ago... days, weeks and months ago. Jay had been left alone in her own home to defend herself from the government... if they saw her, then it was straight to the workhouse. She could rarely leave the house, and when she did she purely focused on getting a meal. Even if that meant she had to steal and pinch.

But only now had she reached her breaking point. Any longer inside and she would go mad. She wanted it to end, but she wanted to keep living.

A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts, and the voice on the other side wasn't familiar to her. "Anyone in there?" the female voice called through the cracks in the door. Jay shrunk in her spot on the floor, covering her mouth in case anything spilled out. "Hellooo?!"

"GO AWAY!!" Jay finally yelled. She knew at once that it wasn't wise move to make... "No one's in here!!"

The woman on the other side laughed, like a bird-song being hit by a car. "I'm sure there is..." she cooed. Jay kept quiet, sinking lower and lower into the dark. And then suddenly...

"_Jay?" _she sang. "_Is your name Jay?"_

Jay sat up, she had never heard a voice like that before. It was melodic, beautiful and sweet... but it was a mere fly-trap, coated in honey. And why was she singing? The mood in the world changed, and it was like the stars were shining brighter.

"_Can I talk to you?" _she continued. _"Can you come here please? So we can speak?" _Jay slowly got to her feet, the vile temptress luring her in. _"Their murderer told me to... come and look for you..."_

Her parents were murdered? Jay got to her feet and raced to the window, looking through the glass for the stranger. But suddenly, without even blinking, the woman swapped to the glass frame and stared inside. _"Your resemblance is striking..."_

Jay ducked, scared out of her mind. What the heck was happening? How could this strange woman suddenly vanish from one spot to the other? She was rather pretty, with dark ringlets surrounding a heart-shaped face.

"_You have your mother's eyes, her hair… she told me to find you here…" _the woman sang. _"Their murder wasn't easy for Suess, she wanted me to finish-finish the job…"_

So that was it, she had come to kill Jay. Well, after so many months of hiding and crying, she wanted to die. She walked over to the door and opened it wide, letting in a deathly cold frost. _"State your business." _Wait a minute, she was singing _too_?!

"_Business?" _the woman sang, raising an eyebrow. She was loving the expression on Jay's confused little face.

"_What do you want?" _Jay sang again, louder and clearer than before. WHY WAS SHE SINGING?!?

"_I was-I was told to see you, drink your blood and finally free you. You will become one of our kind, let you think with a whole new mind. For our world is full of joy, and Suess is looking for a new toy…and you can learn from all her failures!"_

"_I'm not supposed to talk to strangers…" _Jay sang quietly, not looking the woman in the eye.

"_Or let them through the door?" _the vampire sang, taking a slow step through the doorway.

Jay bit her lip, wanting to push her out but somehow not letting herself do it. _"That either… a big risk."_

"_A big fence."_

"_A big mistake."_

"_A new friend!" _the stranger sang, letting two hands fall on either side of Jay's head. Instantly, an image of Jay's mother came to her mind. She was crying, singing her final song in a proud and never-dying voice.

"_Chase the morning!!" _she sang. Jay found tears at her eyes. Her mother always said that whenever Jay felt down… and the fact that she was hearing her mother sing such a beautiful high soprano. _"Yield for nothing!! Chase the morning! Yield for nothing!"_

Jay pulled away from the woman, the image fading. She gasped for air, staring at the figure before her with awe and fear. "_How'd you do that?"_

"_Do what?" _She knew exactly what Jay was talking about. A smirk played on her lips as Jay pointed a shaking finger at her.

"_That! That mind-gook…"_

"_I'm far more complex than I look…"_

And quite surprisingly, Jay interrupted while singing: _"I know - I mean - I've read the book…"_

The woman blinked: Suess had told her that Jay was a Gothic little reader. That was how she had stumbled upon the text of vampires in the library. That was how she had met Suess, stupid prima-donna. She had read through the first five pages of her copy of the vampire law, before the book was taken off her of course. Suess found out who she was, then threatened to kill her off. While her parents were out looking for jobs, Suess found and murdered them.

The woman Jay was having her strange duet with was Fox of Socks, Suess' younger sister, who was also a vampire. Suess ordered Fox to go and kill Jay, but Fox was fed up with Suess' orders and sickening nature. So she instead had another plan: turn Jay into a vampire so that she could replace Fox as Suess' personal slave and butt-monkey while Fox ran off to Ireland to dance with the leprechauns.

Yes, leprechauns are real… but it's all a conspiracy…

"_Yeah…it was amazing. Really changed my life around. There's so much more beyond this world, things more important than just one girl…" _Jay was drifting off, remembering the beautiful languages used in the book. Poetry, german, latin, French…

"_You could be part of our world…" _Fox tempted, slowly walking forward. Jay kept stepping back, soon backed into a wall.

"_I can't, I mustn't!!"_

"_Never?"_

"_Ever!" _Jay protested. _"No more sunrises, bubble and squeak, I'd go mad!!"_

"_It isn't __**that **__bad…" _Fox whispered, bringing her head close to Jay's. _"I can show you if you want to…"_

"_Better if you don't," _Jay sang firmly.

"_Very well…but the rose must bloom in order to escape the garden!" _Fox sang beautifully. As Jay drowned herself in the song, Fox slowly bit down with no mercy on Jay's neck. Jay screamed, hearing her mother's voice scream/sing over the top of her daughter's.

"_Chase the morning!! Yield for nothing!! Chase the morning!! Yield for nothing!!"_

Jay sighed and fell backwards, her skin fading to white as the blood drained from her body into Fox's mouth. All she felt was an ecstasy, a release, as her mind faded away into the dark. Her heart slowed down until it was completely silent… she was dead. Fox didn't want this. She continued singing as she slowly cut open her wrist with her nails, which were sharpened into claw-like points.

"_Let your life be a dream… royalty, ecstasy… it's to late for me… don't look back 'til you're free to chase the morning!" _She put her wrist to Jay's lips, letting her blood spill inside the dying girl's mouth. Jay swallowed, and her dark blue eyes turned into a pale day-sky blue. Her brown clumps turned to beautiful silk of moonlight white curls and her eyelashes grew longer. She was a beauty…

Jay's eyes leaked with tears. She knew what was happening. She read it in Suess' book. That stupid, stupid book! But all negative thoughts faded away as she heard her mother's voice calling out in the dark.

"_Chase the morning! Yield for nothing!!"_

Naw… the flashback finished

Zim stared at Jay, who was wiping the back of her hand against her nose. She always got sniffly when she thought back. What hurt her most was that she wanted to die… but never like that.

"Okay… except for the singing part that was actually kinda interesting…" Zim muttered. Jay smiled, a rare compliment.. "What happened in the next two hundred years?"

"Well I'm pretty worn out from that last flashback to produce another…" Jay said. "And the author's pretty lazy at the moment… damn Easter candy…"

DO NOT INSULT THE AUTHOR'S EASTER CANDIES!!! THE MAKE HER SMART AND FUNNY AND SLIGHTLY HIGH! AND-

"Okay, okay… sheesh…" Zim muttered, brushing the floating text away with a wave of his hand. Oh my God, can he really do that?

"Anyway…" Jay muttered, getting back to the subject. "Suess didn't want me as a slave, she thought I was too smart for my own good. So she gave me to another vampire named Leopold…" Her voice got lost, somewhere in the mention of his name. She moved a shaking hand to her shoulder, lightly tracing an area on her skin, before clearing her throat and continuing.

"He treated me like crap, forcing me to sell drugs to other vampires… one day I ran off, getting a plane all the way to Germany. He followed me, and I've had to keep moving from place to place. He hasn't found me here yet, so I'm safe for now. In a weeks time, I'm to meet with the head vampire of this city for my… well, you can call it a promotion. When I'm 'promoted' I'll be powerful enough to shake him off my trail at last."

"So you just want to join me so that I can fend him off until then?" Zim asked. "You selfish little swine!"

"No, I'm not worried about Leopold. I just want to be standing beside you when the world burns in a flaming pit of… flames." Zim stared at her, and an evil smirk appeared on her face. Jay's eyes turned dark, and a tiny spark of her true demon showed through as she smiled with bloody teeth. "I've seen this world, Zim… and no matter how old it gets, how many wars they have, they will always be the smug bastards they were the minute the big-bang banged… they _deserve _to die. They _deserve _to watch their homes and lives ruined, drenched in their own blood-"

"Okay! Okay! I get it! You're evil, the world smells bad, mice eat pork."

"Um… yeah, I think that's it."

Zim closed his eyes in thought, his head turned to the ground. GIR and Toto were in the next room over, dancing to Britney Spears on a randomly-appearing CD player, but Zim easily blocked out the noise by concentrating on his own thoughts. Jay fell silent with him, watching her feet as he gave the occasional murmur in thought. And finally, Zim opened his eyes and looked at Jay.

"Do you swear to do as Zim commands?" he said, utter seriousness in his voice.

Jay jumped down from the counter, landing on her two feet gracefully, and put a fist to her silent heart. "I swear."

"Will you respect my authority and not question my plans?" he asked, a toothy grin showing on his face.

Jay gave a copy-cat grin back. "I swear my loyalty to you… _master_."

Zim cackled with laughter at his title, happy to know that he wouldn't have to beat it into her. She would be a loyal slave, and far better than his faulty SIR unit. Heck, she even _curtsied._ She giggled madly and ran out the room, up the set of wooden stairs, and coming back down with a very large black box.

Her coffin.

"I can't wait to see what an alien base looks like!!" she cried, still giggling helplessly. "It's always been one old house after the other!! But I know that this will be totally different!!"

"Wait, what?!?" Zim ran over to her side, watching as she blew out candle by candle. "What is this madness?!?"

Jay blinked, blowing out another few candles with a wave of her hand. "Aren't I moving in with you?"

"NO!" he shrieked. "You may be a loyal servant of mine, but we've been a part of the other's life for only forty-eight hours!! I will _not _let a complete stranger into my base!! For all I know, you could be a spy-bug-thing!!"

Jay looked hurt, her eyes fell downward and she slowly lifted coffin off the ground. "Sure, I'll take it upstairs then…"

"MAAA-STEEERRR!" GIR screamed. "Let Jay stay! She's nice! And Toto will come with her! I love Toto! We're friends forever!"

"Coo!"

"I lovin' you Toto! I'm gonna make you biscuits!!"

"STOP YOUR STUPID NOISE-SPEECH!" Zim ordered. Everyone fell silent, and Jay even stopped dragging her coffin up the stairs. She stared at him hopefully, a tiny smile on her face. Zim sighed and pinched the space between his eyes in frustration. "I guess if you stay at the base I can keep a closer eye on you…"

"YAY!!" Jay screamed, jumping from the very top of the staircase and landing on top of Zim. "You won't regret this, master!! I promise that I won't get in the way of your experiments or probing or-"

"Please… get off my breathing-organs…"

"Oh, sorry!" Jay scampered off the top of her new green master. He slowly sat up, dusting off his jeans, only to be embraced by a tight hug from Jay. "Oh I've been waiting for this for such a long time!"

"JAY! Release your master!!" Zim ordered. His first order to the vampire girl. Jay released him at once, biting her lip to keep it shut. "Now, let's go home!"

"YAY!!" GIR and Jay squealed in unison, waving their arms through the air in the same motions and timing. Zim groaned, hopefully she wasn't going to be just like another spastic like GIR. Jay picked up her coffin, which had fallen with her when she jumped, while Toto blew out the remaining candles. The scrawny pigeon landed on the top of her fluffy duck-feathers of hair as Jay slammed the door shut, her jaw dropping in awe when she caught sight of the Voot Cruiser.

"That's your ship?" she asked.

Zim looked from Jay, to the cruiser, back to Jay again. "Yep, that's the cruiser."

Jay laughed, running faster and jumping inside the ship without even blinking. "You won't be losing me in a hurry, Zim! You can be certain about that!!"

Zim took his place behind the controls, already starting to regret the whole idea. But who knows, he came to understand and even _like _GIR's mindless squeals. He might just grow to like Jay's…

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**CrazyA: **Jay and Fox's song is 'Chase the Morning' from Repo! the Genetic Opera (I haven't seen the movie, but I LOOOOOOVE the songs... which would explain if readers find the duet crappy) Please review!!!


	6. Time for the Sad Song

**CrazyA: **Once again, this one and the previous chapters were posted at pretty much the exact same time. So if you haven't read chapter five, READ IT NOW!!! Oh, and remember to review!!**

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**6. Time for the Sad Song**

The Voot-Cruiser carefully landed in the folded-down roof of the house, a scene that never caused much of an excitement and awe for Zim, and the roof closed up around them again. Jay stared from the front window, her mouth dropped down by several inches. It was so strange for Zim to see her so bug-eyed. But then again, he was in awe when he first entered her house.

Okay, maybe not on her level of awe.

"OH MY GOD!!" she screamed, running around in circles. "This is amazing! I've never seen anything like it! I love it!!"

"Don't be so ecstatic…" Zim said, walking over to the lift with GIR and Toto. "We haven't even reached the lab yet." Jay dragged her coffin behind her and ran to the lift, just managing to get through the doors. She watched each light and button, grinning from ear to ear, and laughed out loud when they emerged from Zim's fridge. She looked up at the ceiling, practically wetting herself when she saw the hundreds of thousands of wires coating the ceiling. "Computer!"

"Wha- oh! Great, Zim. Another mouth to feed."

"NO WAY! YOUR CEILING CAN TALK?!?!?'

"Silence, Jay! Computer, take Jay's box-bed to her room!" Zim ordered. A long, thick wire with a grabby-claw-thing at the end came down and plucked Jay's coffin from her hand, taking it back up to the ceiling. After a tiny moment of silence, the computer gave a beep noise. "What now?"

"Zim… where _is _Jay's room?" the computer asked. Zim's antennae lifted as he realised the problem at hand.

"COMPUTER!" he yelled. "New plan! FIRST, find a room for Jay. THEEENNN…I dunno… throw her stuff in there." At once, a hole in the middle of the floor appeared at Jay's feet and a floating magenta disk hovered in the space. Zim stepped on at once, while Jay took more caution as she stepped on daintily. The disk hovered one layer downward, ending their really-uber-short journey in the hallway with the monkey statue.

On this level of the base were three rooms: Zim's, GIR's (which will, no doubt, be Toto's also) and the spare room (Jay's). The sliding metal door opened, and Jay stepped inside the room slowly. It was fairly small, enough room for just the one person. It was smelly, bleak and just very uninteresting. Her lonely coffin, which was just a bit bigger than it's owner, sat in the middle of the room. Jay walked over to it calmly and started undoing the locks on the side, Zim wandering around the room and inspecting the place.

"I know that it isn't much, but don't worry. It'll feel like a home to you in no time…"

"Yeah, I guess…" Jay muttered, not paying real attention. She undid the lock and opened the lid. Inside the padded black velvet lining of the coffin were hundreds of candles, books and even a tiny chandelier. The all flew from the coffin into their proper places, the candles lighting themselves all spooky like and the books making messy-but-neat piles around the room. Even the wires crawling around the walls twisted themselves to the ceiling to make loops of metal for hanging decorations (such as her wind chimes and chandelier.) And then, with a click of her fingers, the grey walls of Jay's room instantly turned to a charcoal colour with black pinstripes.

There's no place like home.

Zim stared blankly at everything, about to ask a question until Jay interrupted. "How else do you reckon movie-vampires get an entire castle set up by in one night?" He had never seen a horror movie before, so Zim merely shrugged his shoulders. Jay smiled and ran out of the room, bursting through another door. "What's in here?!?"

"NO!! Out of Zim's room!" he yelled, chasing after her. "It is private and secretive and-"

Too late. The sliding door to Zim's room opened without a flaw and Jay stood as a statue in the middle of his room. He had a circular red bed with a cot-like shield at the head in a darker shade. It had one long, black triangular pillow that stretched across the mattress for Zim's squishy green head of squishy. Next to the bed was a floating table-top for Zim's pak, so that he could sleep easily and in more comfort than he could with the metal pressing into his back.

There was a fair-sized computer screen and control panel that took up most of the greeney-blue right-side wall, in the same magenta shade as most of his other technology. On this computer, Zim created more disguises and ordered more Irken snacks using his InVISA (the Tallest were very reluctant to give him that when he appeared at the ID2 ceremony.) Apart from that, there wasn't much to see. Since Zim hardly ever spent time in the room and just constantly worked in his labs, he never really bothered with interior design. But Jay wasn't looking around at these, she was looking for something else…

"Don't you have any photos?" she asked. Zim stared at her oddly as he dragged her back out of the room and put the door on permanent lock-down.

"Why would I have photos?" he asked back. "They're just images of memories already stored in the brain, they have no real purpose."

"What about family photos?" Jay asked. "Of your parents or your friends back on your home planet?"

"Irkens don't have parents, we're all born in laboratories," Zim explained as they went past GIR's room. Jay was about to go inside, but Zim pulled her away. "For your own safety, no."

Jay let herself be moved back to the lift, still asking questions. "What about friends? Surely you had someone to hang out with when you were training to be an Invader, right?"

Zim dropped her wrist as they stepped onto the elevator, making his answer colder than it had to be. "Invaders have no need for friends."

Jay stared at him, wondering how horrible it must've really been. Did people want to be his friend? Or did they all share the same opinion on the subject? If people wanted to be Zim's friend, then he must've turned them down. Jay considered herself lucky then if she was where she was today. It must've been a rare opportunity to become one of Zim's friends. But if every Irken didn't have friends, and just focused on their jobs and own personal matters, then what kind of world did Zim live on? Jay shook the thought from her mind, trying not to let herself be disappointed on such a life-changing day.

"So what do I have to do around here, Master?" she asked instead. The lift slowly went down to the base, far more smoothly than humanoid elevators do.

Zim smiled at the sound of the new title, it made him feel powerful. "You will be helping me annihilate the human race…and doing other little things as well, of course. Taking out the trash, cleaning the base, and of course creating a more normal appearance for me."

"How do I do that?" she asked.

"For starters, don't call me 'Master' in public. Just Zim. Also, you've seen most of this world and lived through it's history. You've seen how humans react to many things, and can teach me some of these reactions."

"Got it."

Zim shuddered at the thought of the next one. "And… you will be posing as my… bee-eff-eff during HISkool." Zim tried to hide his hate for the word and meaning, but Jay could see it from miles away.

"Why do you hate friendship so much?" she asked. "It isn't _that _bad… it can be really fun in a stupid way...besides, aren't we friends already?"

Zim stared at her, trying to understand what she was saying. They were friends? This is what friends did? When he was friends with Keef, it nearly killed him. All that smothering attention, the stupid picture-drawing… he retched at the very thought. And all that hideous smiling and laughing… did he and Jay have that friendship already? After only two days?

He shook his head. "No, we're not friends. I am your master, and you are my minion. That's all there is, nothing more."

Jay sighed and tiny, faint notes of a piano played in the back of her mind. She stared at Zim and his beautiful ruby-red eyes, falling lost in her own wandering mind. Her mouth opened and the melody came, but Zim didn't hear her. She was singing only for herself, and she knew that was all she would ever do.

_"Notice me…take my hand…" _Jay sang softly. She tried reaching out for his green fingertips, but she decided against it at the last minute. The way he had let go of her hand last time made her feel like she was scum, beneath him. _"Why are we strangers when…our bond is strong? Why can't you see I do belong?_

_Every time I want to try and speak what's in my mind I feel such a fool…" _she kept singing. _"I need to tell you my heart…And every time I see you in my dreams I see your eyes, they still haunt me… it just tears me apart…"_

The lift landed and Zim easily stepped off. Jay followed, the piano still playing in her mind. The towering walls of red and pink and the blinking computer controls glowed as Zim twisted and touched each button. "This is the main lab, where most of my experiments take place…" Jay didn't really hear him, just watched as his mouth moved up and down as he explained. She was still singing, all other sounds a blur to her, but Zim still couldn't see her obvious cry for attention.

_"I make believe that you and me… are more than this… but I still see…" _she sang, a few tears coming to her eyes. _"No matter what… we'll never be that easy… Every time I want to try and speak what's in my mind I feel such a fool…I need to tell you my heart…And every time I see you in my dreams I see your eyes, they still haunt me… it just tears me apart…"_

The softness in her voice faded and she was close to screaming out the words now. Zim still couldn't hear her, or feel the same feeling that she felt for him… (that's a lot of feeling) _"I've tried to hide away how I feel… and my weakness causes pain… but I'll never be sorry!"_

Zim looked over to her, seeing the tears in her eyes at last. "You okay?"

Jay blinked, her eyes moist, and rubbed them viciously with her hands. "Oh, yeah… just something in my eye…"

"Okay then…" Zim said, turning back to the computer. "For a second I thought you were crying about something… maybe a humanoid you like or something like that."

Frickin' idiot.

Jay smiled slightly, trying to seem okay about everything. But that piano was still playing… and she couldn't stop her mouth from moving. _"At night I pray that soon your eyes will fade away…And every time I want to try and speak what's in my mind I feel such a fool…I need to tell you my heart…And every time I see you in my dreams I see your eyes, they still haunt me… it just tears me apart…"_

"Come on, Jay!" Zim yelled. He was waiting behind her at the lift, ready to move on with another part of the house. "Don't make me feed you to the platypus demon!"

Jay smiled and ran after him, the piano slowly fading away into silence. All she concentrated on was Zim and the beat that echoed in her mind: his. She loved him, she always had and always would. And every night she dreamt of the beat, the beautiful rhythm that tortured her so, and in her dreams she was always dancing with him…

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**CrazyA: **I just realised that I have a lot of dancing in my stories... huh... Anyway, Jay's adoration for Zim was expressed through Britney Spears' 'Everytime'. If you don't think that Britney belongs in Invader Zim, then screw you. It's a damn good song and it expresses exactly what Jay feels for him. I barely had to change the lyrics.


	7. Master, Friend, Moron

**CrazyA: **Back into the action!YAY!

**Zim: **what?

**CrazyA: **Oh forget it. Anywho, newest chapter= yay.... So much goes on in this one... and it was majorly fun to write a rant on 'Twi-moon' and 'ispace'... hehe... sorry if I offend anyone... ^^ READ AND REVIEW!!!  
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**7. Master, Friend, and Moron**

Friday morning, the sky showing no signs of ending the blur of grey that hung over the heads of hundreds beneath. A storm was approaching, and Dib knew this was the perfect time to get his revenge on Zim for yesterday's girl-snatching in Science.

Plus, it was October 30th and everyone was talking about Halloween.

Zim wanted to die. Two things he absolutely _loathed _about Earth coming together on the same day. It was like the universe was trying to screw up his life by irritating him like crazy. Jay was already out the door, wearing her high-collared jacket and parasol, and looking back to her master. "Are you okay, Zim? You seem a bit… shaky…"

"Nonsense!" Zim yelled, speeding up his pace and making his way out the door. He pushed past Jay and strutted down the path, GIR waving goodbye from the doorway with Toto on his head. "I'm perfectly fine! I just… I just needed air! Ah, my lungs feel much better now…"

Jay smiled, knowing that there were so many things wrong with that sentence, but didn't question. She looked up and saw the sky, the dark clouds looming. She shivered and looked back down the path, trying not to think about the image of falling water. It still haunted her… and she considered herself to be a coward.

"Why do humans even need rain?" Zim ranted. "I mean, it's pointless! Sure, it helps the crops and flowers and gives them energy and everything… but apart from that-" He suddenly cut off when he noticed something. He looked over to Jay's parasol, to the dark and lightless sky, and back to the parasol. "Jay, you don't need your umbrella… thingy… there isn't any sunlight to hurt you."

"Huh?" Jay said, looking at the sky. "Oh yeah… but if it starts raining, then I'll be ready, won't I?" She chuckled, trying to shake off the fear, but she still worried about the water… falling so slowly from the sky… burning through the flesh… torturing her in the most agonising way possible…

"Jay?" Zim asked, touching her shoulder lightly. "You can put the parasol down, you know… just put it up when it starts raining again."

The sensitive scars on her shoulder triggered the image… the long raven hair and terrifying smirk full of pointed teeth…"Stay back!!" she screamed. She poked him in the eye with the tip and rubbed her sensitive shoulder blade. "I-I didn't even do anything!!"

"What is wrong with you?!?" Zim yelled back, his poked eye twitching and blinking. His anger faded slightly when he saw her tiny pupils, lost in seas of fear and hallucinations… experiments often had the same expression when Zim was working. "Jay? I order you to snap out of it!!"

"Shut up!" she screamed. "I hate you!! I hope you burn in hell!"

"Listen to Zim!" he shrieked, shaking her roughly by the shoulders. "Stop screaming already!!" Jay blinked and saw Zim at last, the gruesome image she had seen earlier fading from her sight. He let her go, her eyes going back to normal size and a tiny blush spreading across her face.

"I-I'm sorry, I just…" she managed to get out. "I didn't mean to…'

"Keep the parasol up if it really means that much to you!" he yelled, walking onward. "But don't even _think_ of starting up a fight the next time you're too stubborn to do something!" Jay stared at him, saddened by her guilt and his rage. She slowly followed, at least five metres away from him, and kept her head to the ground. She didn't deserve to be with him after a spat like that… she didn't deserve anyone… If she freaked out every time someone touched her in the shoulder or commented about the gloomy weather then she must've been a total spazz… who would want to hang out with a girl like her?

"Hi," said a voice next to her. "Mind if I hang out with you?"

Okay, _Dib _wanted to hang out with her. She really must have been a loser if the only person willing to be friends with her was another nerd. But she was polite enough to give a response: "Yeah, sure."

Dib smiled, his heart beating a little less quickly. Okay, the hardest part was over. Time for the next: a conversation. "Did you do that math homework on page sixty-six?"

"Bugger," Jay swore. "I forgot to do it last night… I'm such an idiot…"

"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself," Dib said helpfully. "Everyone forgets stuff sometimes… besides, I'm sure you're brilliant at maths and can get it done before skool even starts."

Jay laughed lightly, not imagining herself at a desk getting three pages of homework done in five minutes. "I think you better guess again… Hey, I heard you were a fan of the supernatural."

Dib sighed, shaking his head. "I know what you're going to say… 'Why? It's stupid. What a weird thing to like. You must be crazy' and then you'll walk off to join your friends and leave me in the gutter." His face fell at the thought of it, forgetting the fact that Jay had no friends.

"Why do you think I would say that?" Jay asked innocently. "I think it's cool."

Dib's face lit up at once, and he turned to face the officially-adored girl with a beaming smile. "Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"YES! Oh thank God!!" he screamed with joy. He punched the air and skipped the next five steps of the pavement before realising that he was still talking to Jay. "I mean… cool. I-It's cool to know that I'm not the only one who believes in other things besides ponies, sport and ispace."

Jay groaned at the mentioning. "I hate that website, it's so pointless. All you do is post up images of morons and talk about_ Twi-moon._"

"I hate _Twi-moon!" _Dib added, finally able to rant about it. "I tried reading it for more information on vampires, but it was just about these two Mary-Sue characters in the most basic plot that ever existed!"

"They totally screwed up what we do!" Jay said, feeling more and more natural around him. "I mean, vampires don't fall for stupid girls who just eye-goggle them during a stupid science class!! They drink the bitch's blood after shagging her senseless! Who the hell did that author think we were!?!"

Dib didn't notice her slip of the tongue, just the fact that a girl, a really sweet one who he had a hideously romantic crush on, was agreeing and ranting with him about the same topic. Especially since _Twi-moon _was a major hit amongst girls like herself. "Speaking of science, what was it like being Zim's partner?"

Beautiful and spectacular. An honour and a pleasure. A blessing and a curse. Amazing, super-dooper, and uber cool… "Meh, it was alright. Zim isn't that bad of a guy…"

Dib's high and hopeful heart crashed inside his chest. No girl said that about Zim… even if it wasn't much of a praise to him. So if Jay did, she must _really _like him…"You do realise that he's an alien, right?"

This was where it hurt Jay. She knew exactly who Zim was. She even lived with him, as of last night. But she couldn't tell Dib any of this. She wanted to, so that he had an extra person on his side of the team. But when the end of the world started, Jay couldn't be on both sides of the battlefield. "No he isn't. He's just got a skin disease. I mean, sure he looks weird… but that doesn't mean that he's an instant alien."

Dib sighed, even though he wasn't that surprised. Having an interest in the supernatural and hating the stupid romance novel was enough for him, anyway. Just because she didn't believe him on one tiny factor didn't mean that he still didn't love her. "Hey, that's Zim up there," he said as he noticed the green-skinned teenager up ahead.

Jay recognised the expression on her master's face, it was simply known as disgust. He glared at the two of them coldly, at the iron gates of the purple-brick building already. Dib recognised the look as well, but didn't register that it was at Jay. He sent a grin back at Zim, thinking he was jealous that he was with Jay.

"Hey, Zim! Wait up!" Jay yelled as she folded away her laced shield.

"What are you doing?" Dib asked, his bubbling ego bursting.

"I'm just going to say 'hi'…" Jay said innocently. In truth, she wanted to get Zim on his own so that she could apologise properly for earlier. "Zim! Wait!"

Zim just shook his head and walked through the gates, severly disappointed in his minion. Especially after the way she had attacked him. The world really did want to mess around with his life… perhaps the Dib-head was behind it… that would explain why Jay was by his side on the way to skool. Zim tried to block it from his mind, twisting and turning the dial on his locker. He had to get his work done before the bell rang. But just as he started pulling out his math books, the door slammed right in front of his face. If he had a nose, it would be bruised.

Torque Smackee, who was suffering from what appeared to be pink-eye, glared at Zim furiously. When Zim looked at his eyes with more care, he saw that they were just bloodshot. He had been drinking. That would explain the stupid way he was standing.

"Hey… did you know that Zita is a total whore?" he asked, leaning his face right into Zim's.

He wanted to barf at the smell on the human's breath… vomit, alcoholic beverages and cheezy-poops. "Um… yes… Zim knew of such things…"

"Hey!" Torque yelled, pushing Zim down the hall. "Don't call my girlfriend a whore! Ugh… but she isn't my girlfriend anymore… urgh… shit, my head…" Zim just stared as Torque bent over, blinded by the rage and stupidity that the beers had provided. He slowly walked away, thinking that in a situation like this he could leave his homework for later on… but Torque grabbed him by the back of his shirt, nearly choking Zim in the process.

"Let go of me!!" he yelled, kicking Torque with his converse. "Zim has nothing to do with your problem!!" It was a useless battle, for Torque was built with the fleshy structures of muscles and biceps. He dragged Zim over to the last locker in the row, hiding the two of them in the tiny gap between the cold metal doors and the freezing grey walls.

Zim recognised this scene, he was a usual favourite whenever a testosterone-packed-teenager was dumped. They needed someone to beat up and completely destroy both mentally and physically. Mentally was okay for Zim, he could enjoy seeing them cry over their 'one and only' and learn more about sickening human relationships. But physically _really _caused some damage. And Torque was by far one of the worst he would have to handle.

A blow to Zim's head knocked him from all knowledge, and all he could focus on was the pain. He kicked Torque in the shin, only to hurt his foot, and received a massive punch to the face. 'Release Zim from your- oof!"

"Shut up!" he screamed, punching Zim in the eye (Oh my God, it made a squidgee noise!!) The pain just echoed and echoed throughout Zim's body as he received the beating of a lifetime. He would rather be in that dimension of pure itching than suffer this torture…

"Let my master go, wanker!!" cried a familiar British accent. Jay hit Torque over the head with a puppy in a cactus suit, throwing it aside as the chunked-up human fell to the ground. Zim fell with him, sliding down the wall and receiving a massive back-burn. Jay went to his side, throwing her arms around his neck. "I'm sorry…"

"You bitches are all the same…" Torque slurred. Jay and Zim glared at him as he walked towards the two of them, shaky on his feet. Jay raised a hand, her fingers slowly folding into the deadly-deadly-deadly sign…

"SPOCK!!!" she screamed. For a minute, the whole world was just plain scared and slightly confoozled. And then Torque exploded into an epic mass of dust and particles. Jay's hand released it's form and she looked back to Zim with tears. "I'm sorry I let you down, Master… I should've been there… and I'm sorry about this morning… Your eye's probably killing by now…"

"I'm fine," Zim said bitterly. Jay sat beside him, leaning on the locker while he leant on the wall. He didn't mention a thankyou for his rescue, just stared down at his knees. "I heal fast."

"Lucky…" Jay muttered. "I still have scars from my catastrophes…."

"On your shoulder, right?" Zim asked. Jay nodded, biting the inside of her lip. "What happened?"

"Meh, it's nothing…" Jay muttered. "Not worth your time."

"I demand an answer, Jay," he ordered. "Think of it as a way of making up for that savage poking."

"I thought saving you from a drunk jock was a way of making up…" Jay remarked. After receiving a stubborn expression from Zim, she sighed and gave in. "Fine… when I was working for Leopold by selling drugs for other vampires, my days were filled with dazed but blissful expressions and praise towards the fantastical sweetness. I was curious to know what it was like, feeling a sudden rush of ecstasy and drowning inside a bubble of energy and colour.

So, and I'll admit this was stupid, I stole a vial.

Leopold found out and got me later, really on a rampage. He was full-on screaming, even though I hadn't even used it yet. So… he beat me. But not the way you were, Master, in a slow and torturing way that is truly brutal for vampires. He slowly, drop by drop, poured Holy Water on me. It burnt through like acid, and left me with a scar.

I guess I should be happy, for that final beating was the one that made me run away and start travelling. But even now I can't have showers or watch rain fall… it always reminds me of him and that horrid night."

Jay shrugged and looked down from the ceiling, pulling her legs into her chest. "I told you it wasn't worth any of your time…"

"Yeah, it wasn't." Zim yawned and rubbed his eyes, wincing slightly at the pain. "Well it's been a pleasure listening to how you were brutally tortured, but I'm gonna go to sleep now."

"Well thanks for listening anyway," Jay said, closing her eyes as a tiny smile curled her lips. "And I might just have to take a snooze myself…"

**"JAY! ZIM!" **screamed a voice above them. They jumped and looked up at the sight of Miss Dunkers. The flaming anger in her eyes burnt through them as they gulped down fears and shivered in their converse. **"GET TO HOMEROOM NOW!!"**

_**"**_Yes sir!" Zim squeaked out as he leapt to his feet and bolted. It was a wonder why the teacher didn't notice the dark bruises around his eyes.

"Right away!" Jay squeaked as she followed her master loyally behind him. "Don't kill us!!"

"We want to liiiiiivvvee!!!" Zim screamed as they bolted. Miss Dunkers calmly walked behind them, a calm smile on her face.

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**CrazyA: **Next chapter: prepare for 'the talk' and a lot of bitchy HISkool girls READ AND REVIEW!!


	8. Benny and Betty

**CrazyAcorn: **Oh good God... *_looks over to Zim, find him staring blankly at the screen with drool dripping brainlessly from his mouth*_

**The Joker: **Hey Zim, why so serious?

**Jack O'Lantern: **Leave him alone... he just read his latest chapter and is having a miniature freak-out...

**CrazyA: **Zim? I-I'm sorry about this... just so that you know... Read and review guys.

**

* * *

8. Benny and Betty**

Thankfully, Jay and Zim got off lightly with a warning when they got to homeroom.

Oh who am I kidding, it sucked.

"I can't believe that two students would try and cut homeroom…" Miss Dunkers said sweetly. "Because homeroom is just so much fun!! I certainly hope you two weren't trying anything behind those lockers."

"OMFGZ!!" a girl screamed. "They were pashing!!"

Jay rolled her eyes in her seat and hit her head on her desk. "The word is 'snogging' and we were _not _doing anything of the sort!!!"

Dib just died inside at the thought.

Zim would've died if he knew what the exact meaning was, but he had a basic idea already. So he just tried to keep himself from vomiting at the scary mental images coming into his mind.

And so the rumours began.

"Torque said he walked by and saw the two of them at third base!!" Zita whispered, giggling with joy at the latest batch of gossip-flavoured-brownies.

"Did you catch the bruises on Zim?" Gretchen mentioned. "She must be _vicious _or something. What a slut!"

"You're telling me!"

Jay and Zim could barely look at each other without blushing, which made matters worse. The rumours flooded everyone, and reached to even the teachers. In science, Mr Slarti had to keep a constant eye on the two of them. In Food Ed., only one of the now-famous pair was allowed into the pantry at a time. And even in maths Ms Fidz forced a third person to join the two of them while everyone else went into pairs.

"This is just pathetic…" Zim spat as they filed into their next class. "Every class just gets worse and worse…"

"It's all Miss Dunkers' fault," Jay added. "If she hadn't caught us then we could be asleep by the lockers right now…"

"FUDGE!!!" screamed the same girl from homeroom. "They've slept together!!"

"NO WE HAVEN'T!!!" they screamed in unison.

The whole room exploded into laughter, and Zim just stared at them all with a twitching eye-ball. Jay looked over to Zim, giving a sheepish smile. "Okay... that was kinda my fault... but I swear, I'll get us out of this, master... I promise!"

Zim just sighed and took a seat at a table, trying to keep calm about this whole situation. Jay sat down next to him, but still keeping her distance from him. She thought it over, again and again, on how she could convince the world that she and Zim weren't a couple... she would be in need of a plan, and a damn good one, too.

"Hey everybody!" said the merry teacher as she walked in. Her smile was too big for her face, and it was a wonder that the rest of her ultra-skinny body could support it. In fact, she was rather shaky from the weight of her own teeth... "My name is Miss Kingslay and I'm your health teacher!"

She said that every freakin' lesson.

"Because of some recent events," she said, looking at Zim and Jay with slightly frustrated eyes. "We'll be moving on from the food pyramid of super-good yummy-ness and onto our next topic!"

Everyone in the class blinked, wondering what the hell was happening now. Miss Kingslay pressed a massive red button on the blackboard and a projection screen came sliding down from the ceiling. A projector emerged from her desk and thick steel shutters fell down the windows and doors, making sure no one could escape from this lesson on...

...SEX-ED.

_Readers, you can die now if you want to. No seriously, just feel free to fall to the floor for a couple of minutes and just pretend that this really isn't happening. Or you can read on and wet yourself laughing at the expression of our three amigos during this whole dilemma. Coz if you did, that would mean I didn't waste ages and ages on this chapter. Love, CrazyAcorn_The words came up on screen in bright letters, taking up nearly the whole of the board. All the morons of the class started giggling at the first word, but most of them just looked over at Jay and Zim while trying to keep in their laughter. This was going to be hilarious.

Dib, Zim and Jay, however, just slammed their heads on their desks in frustration.

A cheerful song played in the background as a male teenager came onto screen, waving at the camera. _"This is Benny Everyguy," _said a voice overhead. _"He's just turned fifteen and is starting to notice some changes in his body."_ Benny nodded, and the camera cut to a picture of a naked version of the teen.

The girls swooned and giggled over the eye-candy before them while the boys guffawed and jeered. Jay blushed, hiding her face in her hands but still peeking through her fingers. Dib still had his head on his desk, not wanting to know what was going on around him. Zim was trying his best not to vomit; though he had seen it before in the locker-rooms, male human anatomy was by far more disgusting than a male Irken's.

_"Benny is starting to grow hair in rather unusual places, such as under his arms and in his boxers," _the narrator continued. Everyone was wetting themselves with laughter at that point. _"His voice was breaking more often, and there were pimples growing on his greasy little monkey-face. Benny was going through... PUBERTY." _The dreaded word came on screen, covering the fleshy body at last.

_"But one thing Benny also noticed was Betty Normalteen, his best friend from primary school," _the narrator continued as a girl walked onscreen, completely naked to the camera. Zim's eyes went wide as all the boys wolf-whistled. He looked over to Jay, who looked like she was about to be sick herself.

A boy came up behind Jay and whispered something in her ear, a sick smirk on his face. Jay didn't respond with words, just punched him in the gut and kicked his manhood with 100% bitch-power. When Zim gave a look of question across her way, she merely shook her head. It was better for him not to know.

_"Betty had developed breasts and curves during puberty, which Benny found to be quite attractive. So one day, when the two were with each other as just normal, simple friends... Benny decided to have sex with Betty."_"Go Benny!!" screamed a group of boys in the corner. Dib fell to the floor, unconscious and exhausted from all this madness.

_"So Benny slid his twinkie into Betty's ho-ho and the two of them performed the act of sexual intercourse."_"HE F***ING SAID IT!!!!" screamed everyone in the class. Zim and Jay followed Dib and fainted, their faces paler than usual.

Miss Kingslay looked over to the screen and shrugged, getting back to her solitaire. "She's faking it."

_"Benny released his sperm, which came in contact with Betty's uterus and she became pregnant with Benny's child," _the narrator explained as some mind-disturbing diagrams came onto the screen. Our famous trio looked up at the screen before crashing their faces onto the floor again.

_"Usually a pregnancy is usually a beautiful process... but for Betty is was horrible. Since she was only fifteen, she didn't know the miserable PAIN that happened during those agonising nine months!" _the narrator yelled as image of a crying, swollen-stomached Betty fell to the floor and sobbed. People all around her pointed and yelled, laughing at her misery.

_"What a slut!"_The camera cut to Benny, who was hiding away from the crowd looking alone and desperate. _"When people found out Benny got a girl pregnant, no one wanted to be with him ever again. His parents shunned him, and he never got another girlfriend again. So viewers, listen carefully. DON'T HAVE SEX. EVER. NOT IN THE CAR. NOT IN THE SHOWER. __**DON'T HAVE SEX**__ (until you're eighteen.) THE END!!" _the video finished with a crackle and Miss Kingslay got up from her seat, standing in front of the class as the shutters and projector hid away again.

"If only she knew!"

"Oh the calamity!"

"So did anyone learn something today?" she asked. She looked over to where Zim and Jay were sitting before, not seeing anyone there. "Anyone seen our two love-birds of the day?" she asked the class.

"Here, Miss Kingslay!" yelled the letter M, pointing at the three unconscious bodies lying on the floor. Miss Kingslay walked over to the bodies and sighed, shaking her head from side to side in a sad and pitiful way.

"I guess they'll be in need of some medical attention..." she said calmly. "Torque and Gretchen, come help me drag these bodies to the nurse."

Torque took Jay by her wrist, her feet and lower-half of her body trailing along the floor and Gretchen (gladly and happily) carried Dib on her back, nearly falling over by the extra weight. Miss Kingslay picked up Zim in her arms, looking down at his sleeping face and shaking her head.

"There's always a couple of fainters..." she said with a sigh.

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**Zim: **After recovering from my brain-dead moment... I have to say this: CrazyAcorn, you're a scary bitch.

**CrazyA: **Yeah, but you still hang out with me and my man-whores

**Jack and Joker: **_MAN-WHORES?!?!?!?_

**CrazyA: **Did I say 'man-whores'? _*sheepish smile and sweat-drop* _I meant bestest-buddays.... REVIEWS, PLEASE!!!


	9. Just a LameAss Battle Song

**CrazyA: **Hey guys, I'm sooooooo sorry about leaving this story alone in the dark for so long! I just had a whole heap of trouble finding the right song to use!! But, hopefully, it came out okay. Please review to let me know if I have any readers left!!!

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**9. It's Just a Lame-Ass Battle Song**

Jay's eyes slowly opened, as the white lights and smelly cushions invaded her mind. She sat up, letting out a yawn as she looked around the room. She was between two other beds, all three and the patients lying in them covered with a cold white sheet that smelt of vomit. She couldn't remember much... just haunting and mind-scarring images of teenagers trying to get laid.

No, not much at all.

Since it was the day before Halloween, there were cut-out pictures of pumpkins and a bowl of rock-hard candy outside the office door. Jay slowly got up and got a stale orange lollipop for GIR, hiding it in her pocket. She walked over to the pile of magazines that should've been thrown out years ago and picked up a copy of SKANKY, reading it on her way to her bed.

She sat down and flicked through the pages, reading random and exciting stories about girls and their lame-but-sexy boyfriends. Just as she thought the pages were filled with nothing but useless garbage, she came across the most helpful article of all.

_My BF ain't my BF! How do I get him to notice me?!?_

Jay read each word, soaking it all in as best as she could. _If a guy isn't into you, just put on a really sweet dress that shows off your figure! Or, since Halloween is coming up, get into a revealing costume (Zombie-Nurse, Fairy Princess, etc) and invite him to go trick-or-treating with you. Just reveal the inner ho!_

Usually, advice like that was sickening for Jay. She had enough sense to know not to dress up like a whore in order to get Zim's attention. Although... with Halloween underway, she could convince him to go trick-or-treating. But that was close to impossible, since Zim was terrified of Halloween.

Heck, it was worth a try.

"What happened?" she heard a voice say. Looking to the left, she saw that Dib was slowly sitting up, resting his weight on his elbows. He rubbed his eyes, cleaning his glasses on his shirt, and blinked as his eyes adjusted to the light.

"Hey there," Jay said with a smile. "Good to know you didn't die of embarrassment."

Dib smiled back, pushing off the blankets from his chest. "At least we get to skip out on the rest of health, huh?"

Jay laughed, making Dib blush like crazy. No girl laughs at him... well, not in a non-mocking laugh like hers. She actually thought he was funny. But she had Zim... or did she? He couldn't really trust the rumours that went around the class…

"Did you and Zim... you know... are you guys-"

"No, much to everyone's disappointment," Jay said, her smile barely there now. She hung her head in her hands, thinking back to the glares she had received from Zim. "He hates me... he totally, totally hates me... I've got to find a way to make this madness stop..."

Though he wanted to ask why the hell she cared about Zim in the first place, and why she wanted his respect for her (if even knew the meaning behind the word), Dib couldn't help but think up an original, fantabulous spectacu-wackular idea. He looked over to the sleeping body that was Zim, going green with envy.

"You owe me, space-boy... you owe me..." he muttered.

"You said something?" Jay asked, blinking her blue beams of beauty (B-OVERLOAD!!!!!!) at him innocently.

"Uh... I've got an idea..." Dib said cheerfully. He was only doing this so that he could wow over Jay, and put out the rumours that were starting to scar him for life. But Jay's face fell, and she looked... well... pretty doomed. "What's wrong?"

"Can I... can I sort of maybe say that this was my idea?" she asked with a sheepish smile. "It's just that... I sort of want Zim to quit being angry at me... and I don't think it'll help if he found out it was his mortal enemy's idea..."

Dib nodded, understanding the situation perfectly. Jay smiled at him and listened as he continued. "Everyone thinks that you and Zim are in... in..."

"Spaghetti?"

"No, I mean you guys are... in love..." Dib managed to get out. "So all we have to do is get them to believe you hate each other!"

Jay smiled at him, but faded away when she realised the other part. "How do we do that?"

"Simple. You and Zim get into a fight, start insulting each other, with everyone else watching. You'll have to do it at lunch, that way you've got a bigger audience."

Jay gave a smile. "Wicked! Let's do it!"

"If you want any ideas on what to call him, I've got a whole long list of insults that I make whenever I'm bored."

"Brilliant! Let's just wait for Zim to get up and I'll tell him the plan."

"ZOMBIE WEINER!" screamed the shrill voice of her master. Zim sat up, awaking from his nightmare to find himself looking straight at a scary photo of a pumpkin pasted onto the wall. He let out a scream, climbing halfway up the wall and pointing a finger at the poster.

"Wow, that was quick..." Dib muttered, looking past Jay for once and to his deadly, deadly, doubly-deadly foe. "And right on time, too."

Zim looked from the Halloween poster to his fellow losers, sliding down the wall and falling back down to his bed. "On time for what?"

Jay looked from Zim to Dib, who gave her a comforting smile of encouragement. She smiled back and turned to Zim, who was staring at the two of them in confusion.

"Well... I've got a plan... you know, to save our arses from being completely pwned."

*~*

The skool walked into the lunch-room, everyone lining up to the now-working soda machine. Dib blended in with the rest of the crowd, since he wasn't part of the circus act that was about to start in… five minutes time. But Zim and Jay, of course, walked in together. Some of the kids watched them, noticing the frowns spread on their faces like peanut-butter that were different from the usual expressions of disappointment they had given that day.

Jay was still half-hearted with this. She didn't want to insult her master. Never in the history of forever. She loved him. She couldn't hurt him. But then again... if she didn't, then he would still be mad at her.

The teens still stared at the two of them, watching what they would do next. They whispered around the room, their voices sounding like rustling leaves on the pavement. But, you know, if the leaves were talking. Ooh! That would be awesome! But then again, when autumn came they'd just scream and stuff when they fell.

What was happening?

Oh yeah, Zim and Jay.

"I can't stand these FOOLISH rumours going around," Zim complained. "As if I'd _ever _hang out with someone like _you_."

Jay pulled a hurt face before walking faster, her arms crossed angrily on her chest. "_You're _the upset one? How do you think _I _feel?! I mean, why would I want to shag something as hideous as _you_!"

More heads turned to their direction, watching with curiosity at the two of them. They could smell a fight from miles away. And boy, were they about to get one.

"Me? Hideous?! What about you?!" Zim yelled, pushing Jay's back so that she bumped into a table. "You're just a stick! You're as ugly as a goose-leg!"

"Am not!"

"Are so!"

"Then what does that make _you?!?_ You're as ugly as a moose-weasel!"

"I- wait a minute. What the heck is that?" Zim said, his voice quieting down to normal conversation level.

"I don't really know... but I bet it's as ugly as you are!!" Jay yelled, pushing Zim over.

"Bug-eyes!" he yelled, pushing Jay back into the table. The kids who were sitting there vanished, not wanting to get involved in the fight, but still remained as close as they could get.

"Toad-stink!" Jay screamed, jumping up onto the rotting wooden seat of the table. She kicked Zim in the eye, who ducked and jumped up on the table. She jumped up with him, landing carefully on her two feet. "You're such a girl!"

_"You're wrong!" _Zim sang and yelled at the same time.

"_No, __**you're **__wrong!"_Jay sang with him. The kids blinked, not getting why they were singing, but somehow feeling like this was a part of any other day of the week.

_"They're in song!" _they all sang in unison. "_**We're**__ in song!"_

_"It's just a lousy battle-song!" _Dib sang from amongst the crowd.

Jay lunged at Zim, knocking him backward onto the table and sitting on top of him. But, despite her vampire powers, he kicked her off and sent her flying upward to the ceiling. She fell back down and landed face-flat on the table, letting out a groan from the pain. The whole time, an electric guitar was playing as fast as it could as they fought and fought and the kids watched from the sidelines.

_"Buddy, oh buddy, can I hear it today? Why won't your stupid talking just go away?" _Zim sang as fast as he could. _"Buddy, oh buddy, can I hear it today? Why won't your stupid talking just go away?"_

_"I know that I know that I'm a little bit mad, but compared to you I'm only a lil' bit sad," _Jay retorted, looking smug as she slowly stood up. _"You got that fugly pug-ugly little green face that leaves you looking so out of place!"_

_"Ho!" _Zim yelled at her. He jumped on top of her, pressing her down on the table with her face crashed against the rotting wood once more. He pushed one of her hands up her back, and she let out a shriek in pain. _"Buddy oh buddy can I hear it today? Why won't your stupid talking just go away? Buddy oh buddy can I hear it today? Why won't your stupid talking just go away?"_

_"I know that I know that I'm a little bit mad, but compared to you I'm only a lil' bit sad. You got that fugly pug-ugly little green face that leaves you looking so out of place!" _she sang back, moving her head to the side so she could breathe.

_"Ho!" _Zim sang, pushing her off the table entirely. The crowd of teenagers moved back, leaving her some room to fall. Jay landed, 'crashed' being the proper word, and got to her feet.

_"You're always lying just to hide all your crying, you're always lying just to hide all your crying, you're always lying just to hide all your crying, you're always lying!" _Jay sang/repeated annoyingly. She swiped at Zim's knees, the heel of her boot slicing through the air and making him fall backwards. Now, they were both on the floor.

But Zim wasn't going to let his own minion win. Even if this was just an act, Invaders were always the ones to win. And his bond with Jay wasn't going to stop that. _"Whore-cow!" _he screamed at her.

The kids watched on as he leapt at her, punching her square in the jaw. She fell back from shock, but came back with more rage than before. A kick between the legs sorted out his smug grin. Their mouths opened as all the once rumour-starting teens sang. _"You're trying to tell me that-"_

_"Wanker!"_ Jay sang, interrupting them as she flew through the air, hitting the back wall.

_"-they're a thing?" _they finished at last. They looked from one person to the other, singing the same line. _"You're trying to tell me that-"_

_"Princess!"_ the alien yelled as he blocked her punch and karate-chopped her in the leg. Jay shook it off and poked him square in the eyes with two fingers at the same time.

_"-they're a thing? You're trying to tell me that-"_

_"Moron!"_

_"-they're a thing? You're trying to tell me that-"_

_"Earth-stink!"_

_"-they're a thing? You're trying to tell me that-"_

_"Space-boy!!"_

_"-they're a thing?"_

Zim had Jay cornered near the entrance of the hall, just near where the first few serving-stations were. He twisted her arm around her back and pressed her up against the glass of one station. Though she appeared to be in pain, she still managed to grab a handful of 'meat' and thrusted the dripping muck into her master's face. He screamed and let her go, wiping it off his face before it molded with his skin.

_"You're always lying just to hide all your crying, you're always lying just to hide all your crying, you're always lying just to hide all your crying, you're always lying!"_ she sang once more as she rubbed her sore wrist. As soon as it felt better, she slapped Zim across the cheek with the back of her hand, leaving a sore red handprint.

_"Bitch!" _he yelled, punching her in her delicate nose. She screamed and took a few steps backward in shock, but came back with another slap across the face. The kids started singing again as they fought once more.

_"You're trying to tell me that-"_

_"Bastard!"_

_"-they're a thing? You're trying to tell me that-"_

_"Llama-lips!"_

_"-they're a thing? You're trying to tell me that-"_

_"Arse-hole!"_

_"-they're a thing? You're trying to tell me that-"_

_"Prat!"_

_"-they're a thing? You're trying to tell me that-"_

_"Twat!!"_

_"-they're a thing?"_ They turned from one to the other, whispering and gossiping. They stopped believing the lies, and soon they forgot all about their previous rumours. _"They're so lame."_

_"You're so gay!" _Jay shrieked, strangling Zim's throat as she pushed him up against the wall.

He switched the roles in a blink of an eye, hitting her head against the cracked grey wall and smiling at the tiny moan she emitted. _"You're a-hey!" _He was interrupted by her boot colliding with his knee once more as she kicked him to the floor. She fell beside him, and it didn't look like either of them were about to move.

_"This is strange..." _Dib muttered. _"...strange like Zim and Jay." _And then, the brightness faded, and everyone went back to normal life. The kids sat at their tables and started eating their lunches. Dib smiled. It worked. No one talked about Jay and Zim. He gave a last glance at the still figures on the floor, and making sure they were okay, he walked off to find Gaz.


	10. Owies and Big Booms

**CrazyA: **Yeah, you guys... sorry about the heaps-long upgrade time Stuff to do, people to obsess... you know the drill. Please read and review if you wanna see Zim with his shirt o-

**ZIM: **SILENCE FILTHY-FAN-SLAVE!!! grrr.... Read, review, and OBEY!!

**

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****10. Owies and Big-Booms**

The familiar pink-magenta hue of the base was a comforting sight for the invader. But the pain that suffocated him wasn't exactly a bonus...

"Damn..." he muttered bitterly. "That blonde mess sure can pack a punch..." He swore every alien curse-word he could think of as he slowly got to his feet, shaking in his steps. Once lunch had finished and everyone had left the hall, he was able to teleport himself and Jay, who was still unconscious, back home.

He looked over to the figure lying still on the floor, but all he could make out was her mess of moonlight locks. Her head was on its side and turned away from him, and she was lying in a strange and uncomfortable-looking position on the floor. Her arm was bent in a way that couldn't be natural, even for vampires, and there were several bruises on her face. Not to mention the blood that seeped from her ski-sloped nose.

"Meh, she's okay," he said, waving her away. Zim stumbled and limped his way over to the computer screen, pressing several buttons on his keyboard until it lit up. "Computer... get the emergency first-aid kit."

"I don't wanna!" it whined annoyingly. Zim growled, he had been talking to GIR again while he was out. He tore off his wig and ripped the contacts from his eyes, not bearing the itchy disguises any longer.

"COMPUTER!" he shouted, finding his voice hoarse. "Just do it already!"

"Fine, fine... geez, there's no need to yell," he mumbled. After several bright lights and blinky-things, a box that looked like something from a Chinese restaurant fell from the ceiling and into Zim's hands. He opened it up and found two small pills, no bigger than a pea, as well as a box of band-aids and several clean syringes, filled with some sort of silver, glowing liquid.

"Ah, the finest in Irken medicine..." he said, picking up one of the syringes and twirling it between his fingers. "I just hope it works on vampires..." He started taking off his shirt/uniform, revealing his bare green chest to the world and his fan-girls, and injected the syringe deep into his shoulder, patching it up with a plastic bandaid that had the Irken symbol dyed into the material.

Inside his blood-system, the silver liquid swirled and swirled, and soon it healed up every ache inside his body. At first, this medicine was made purely as a hang-over relief, but when Irken soldiers realised it cured their scars as well, it was sold as an easy-to-use first-aid system that soldiers and invaders could use when injured during their missions.

With his shirt still half-off, he made his way (without a single stumble or limp) to Jay. He rolled her over onto her back, so that if her eyes were open she saw the ceiling, and attempted to put her limbs in a more comfortable position. He tried moving her arm, but felt like it would snap off entirely if he moved any more. Just as Zim thought he would be alone in the silence, he watched Jay's eyes slowly open.

"W-Where am I?" she asked, her mind a crazy blur. Her throat was hoarse and felt red-raw, and she tried to clutch it in her hand. But as she moved her arm, she let out a cry at the pain.

"Stop it," Zim ordered. Jay looked over, noticing him for the first time, and smiled slightly. But her eyebrows touched when she noticed something else about him.

"I thought I pummelled you into potato salad..." she muttered. It was true, the liquid had healed the bruises on his face, while Jay still maintained her battle-wounds.

"I told you I was a fast healer," he said with a slight smirk. "But, I admit I needed some help from the first-aid kit... Now take off that shirt."

Jay blinked and, noticing the state of his own clothes, blushed a stop-sign red. She didn't realise that Irken invaders were so... well... forward. And surprisingly well-built. That shirt of his didn't compliment any of his form. Plus, she didn't want him to see what she hid underneath her own clothes...

"Hurry up, already!" he pushed, unbuttoning her vest without any warning. On instinct, she slapped his hand away with a yelp. "Quit complaining! It's easier to get to your bloodstream if I use your shoulder!"

That was when Jay saw the syringe in his hand. It reminded her of something from long ago... All hopes and fantasies faded away, but she still blushed as she unbuttoned her vest and moved her hands to her shirt. "Just... don't say anything, okay?" she muttered, her eyes trying not to look into his.

He shrugged. "I can't promise any-"

He was cut off after seeing the twisted flesh that was meant to be Jay. The scars crossed from her shoulder-blade and down her chest, finally stopping near the edge of her breasts. But next to the long, torturing scar that hurt Jay so, were two deep circles that embedded into her neck with a red, raw passion.

Her bite-marks from Fox.

Jay's white shirt hung around her, falling off her bare, exposed shoulders, and revealing the one part of her that separated her from normal girls. Besides the bite-marks, of course... a corset. A plain, white corset tied around her chest with pale blue ribbon. The Victorian version of a bra. Although she had barely anything to fill it with, it still complimented her form nicely.

Zim blinked. After that disturbing health-class, it was surprising for him to find himself so close to the real thing. "Right... well... here goes," he finally managed to get out. Jay tightly shut her eyes, prepared for the sharp pain of the needle. He quickly stabbed it into her, squeezing out the metallic silver medicine.

"Bugger..." Jay muttered, biting her bottom lip at the pain. Zim threw the used syringe aside and watched in curiosity. Instantly, even faster than Zim's dose had, the bruises faded away and her arm popped back into normal shape, all the bones healed.

But it was what happened next that surprised Jay the most. The haunting scar on her shoulder slowly grew fainter and fainter, the healing skin working faster than before until eventually it was a mere scratch. Her bite-marks stayed, however, for no amount of Irken technology would change the power of the supernatural.

"I... That's amazing..." she said, a bright smile on her face. She lightly touched where the scar once was, laughing and crying at the same time. "It's barely there..."

Even Zim was surprised by this effect. "It must be more reactive to your DNA than to mine..." he muttered. "Fascinating..." He instantly reached out a hand, not bothering about Jay's say in the matter, and pressed it against the mark. Again with the stop-sign-red face with Jay, as his fingertips traced the faint line.

"Uh... what are you doing?" she asked, her voice breaking in panic and embarrassment.

"Just observing..." he muttered, not thinking how personal it was for someone to touch another in this way (especially if the other person had a hideously massive crush on them.) He looked up, locking eyes with Jay for a split second before she blushed and looked down to the floor. "Why are you like this?" he asked, splitting the silence.

"What do you mean, Master?" Jay asked, trying to forget who he was by not using his real name. If she forgot who he was, then maybe she would blush a little less.

"Both you and Dib turn into beetroots..." he said, more to himself than to his minion. "And all it takes is a microscopic action... a mere touch. Why? Why do you humans do this?"

Jay blushed harder and faster. "I-I don't know... just a coincidence..."

Zim kept his fingers still, no longer tracing them backward and forward, and slowly took his hand away. He knew she was lying, but he didn't persist with questions. It was an unimportant matter for him. He took his hand away and stood up, leaving an exposed Jay lying on the floor. He took off his shirt and threw it aside, robotic hands picking it up after him and taking it away to be washed.

"I'll be sleeping in my quarters, don't try to disturb me." His order was simple, and Jay didn't argue.

"Y-yes sir..." she whispered. Her voice was a mere ghost, she couldn't think straight. He was so... _perfect_. Greek statues would weep if they saw him. Sure, it wasn't a million-and-two abs, but he had the sleek shape and strong shoulders that Jay lusted for desperately...

Zim stepped inside the elevator, his face an expressionless mask. "That girl can be such a nuisance..." he muttered aloud. "But I'll be needing her so-called powers for the mission... if she has any... all I can see is a snivelling blonde-worm-baby who can barely stand..."

He thought back to the rare moments where Jay revealed her inner strength, but even there she looked so innocent. And even the powers she had used weren't that impressive... "But this mission of conquest is taking far to long... I'll be needing whatever powers that Jay has..."

The lift re-opened at the bedrooms level. GIR and Toto were playing in the robot's room, Zim could hear the squeals from a mile away. He wouldn't get any rest with the two of them like this... he walked down the hall and to GIR's quarters, sticking his head around the door.

GIR's bright pink room was decorated with pop-star posters and cupcake crumbs. There wasn't a bed, merely an extremely-oversized beanbag with thousands of stains. Several rubber piggies were found scattered around the room, and there was a silver wooden bird-cage in the corner for Toto. It's door was wide open, so he didn't have to stay in there if he wanted to, but the bird was usually found asleep on its perch whenever it needed sleep. But for the moment, he and GIR were dancing on a miniature, Irken version of a DDR station.

"WEEEEEEE!!!" the spastic-bot squealed. "I'm dancing nine-to-five, woo!" Toto cooed merrily, flapping his wings and trying his best to scramble from light to light.

"GIR!" Zim yelled from the hallway. "Keep it down, I'm trying to get some sleep!"

GIR turned around, still dancing the steps even though he couldn't see the panels. His eye flashed red and he gave a salute, his legs still dancing like crazy, and turned back around, happier than ever.

Zim sighed. It was definitely a bonus having Jay around. He could finally talk to someone with a brain-cell. And someone to save him whenever he got himself into trouble (though, really, he didn't need the help at all.) And just... _someone_. So that when he ranted, it wasn't just to himself anymore.

The door to his room opened, and Zim stepped inside, switching off the lights. Irkens could easily make their way around in the dark. He winced as he took of his PAK, putting it on the floating bedside table. He sumo-slammed the bed, landing squarely in the middle. There was a slight warmth to the sheets as he crawled beneath them, pulling them close to his chest as he rested his head on the black triangular pillow.

"Today has been tiring..." he muttered. "And I'll be needing all the energy I can get to help me last through Halloween tomorrow..." And sure enough, sleep quickly met him in a comforting embrace.

It is a surprising fact that nearly every species dreams. Cats dream of autumn leaves and roaring fires, humans dream of lovers and memories... but every Irken dreams of domination in some form or another.

Zim's mission of conquest might have been taking up his entire lifetime, but whenever he closed his eyes and drifted to the dark, it was laid out there before him. He was standing on a hillside, the wind breathing through his antennae, and the city beneath him set on fire. There were screams of hundreds of innocent lives, and each one brought a smile to the dictator's face.

"A beautiful sight..." he said to himself. He could smell the scent of burning human flesh and the feel the warmth of the sunlight on his face. _"My... new... conquest...." _he sang softly. _"My... new... conquest....!" _

Yes, people sing in their sleep, so shut your corn-face.

_"This is my new reign of conquest...." _he sang strongly, a smirk on his face. _"Where the monsters in their nightmares take all their faith... How they cry when they see me coming their way...they mourn that nothing from their past remains!" _He got to his feet and ran down the hill, grinning like a child on Xmas morn. These humans were so foolish, they didn't even know what hit them. They were just _begging _to be annihilated.

_"In this dream of strength and power... no more precious thoughts and lullabies..." _he sang, marching down the street as he observed the tattered Irken flags that hung from windows as a sign of respected that only emerged from their fear. _"I walk amongst this world for hours and watch the battle-ships fly over me..."_

On cue, the Massive flew through the air, pushing all the clouds aside as it sliced through the air like a swift blade. It landed on the hill on which Zim had stood, and the Tallest themselves emerged from the magenta spacecraft. Zim smiled, he knew what was to come: respect.

He ran up the hill as fast as he could, appearing at their feet with a smug grin. Without a word, they both kneeled to the floor and bowed, over and over at his presence. A guard emerged from the Massive and led Zim inside, no words needing to be said. Zim made each person speechless, he was just that powerful.

And special, don't forget special.

_"Don't say I'm out of line..." _he continued singing, making his way up the stairs and entering the main room. _"This rampant chaos is their reality... I know the nightmare that I have created, and yet all the dreams are coming true! In this dream of and power... no more precious thoughts and lullabies...I walk amongst this world for hours and watch the battle-ships fly over me..."_

The Masive took off, rising from the ground and retreating from the planet until it was a fair distance away from the ghastly rock. Zim smirked at the image he saw beneath him. The Earth shrunk smaller and smaller, getting further and further away. He couldn't wait for what was about to happen...

A soldier handed him a tiny remote with one single button on it. It was big, red, obnoxious, and had a goofy smiley-face printed on it. Fantastic. Zim grinned at the sight of it, shooing the soldier away with a wave of his hand. He had absolute power now. Nothing could stop him.

_"Swallowed up in the sounds of their screaming, they can't cease the fear of these horrid nights... Oh how I long for this blissful reality with no one to stop me in my strides..." _he sang, still grinning at the button. He looked from the remote to the large glass window, leaning on the balcony rails.

Time for some fun.

He pressed the button.

And in the approximate time of 1.023 seconds, the Earth exploded in the loudest 'BANG-GLAD-OOOOSH!' that anyone had ever heard. Zim laughed maniacally, throwing the remote aside. Flying rock scattered in space, the last few pieces of the planet once known as Earth. Everything was gone. And Zim had won.

_"In this dream of strength and power... no more precious thoughts and lullabies...I walk amongst this world for hours and watch the battle-ships fly over me..." _he finished before starting up a mad-dictator laugh. Being evil kicked ass.

But a single thought occurred: which was amazing for him because he usually didn't think at all. If he was the annihilator of Earth, leaving mere pebbles and rocks in the dust that was space...

"Where's Jay?" he asked out loud. He looked around him, only seeing the green faces of his new minions and slaves. But he couldn't see the albino-white skin of Jay... He looked back out to the front window, trying to see if she was floating outside with the broken, crumbling remains of Earth. But no, she wasn't there either.

In his new world, the vampire was non-existent.

And some tiny, insignificant, microscopic, crumbling molecule was actually sad about that...

...but the rest of him didn't give a flying fruit.

* * *

**CrazyA: **Okay, can I say it?

**ZIM: **Fine, but make it quick.

**CRAZYA: **ZIM - SHIRT = SEXY-NOSEBLEED-MOMENT Please review!!


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